The biggest curse of middle age is not the obvious culprits. The wrinkles, grey hair, and pouchy midsection all suck, that's for sure. Those things are not the worse thing about getting older though, the worse thing goes much deeper than that. The thing that I hate the most about being this age is hindsight. I find myself thinking back on lots of things and realizing how different things could be if only... That line of thinking is destructive, and gets the person nowhere. Yet anyone who has reached this age probably thinks back on things ten times a day. The main reason being : our children. Especially teenage children , who are constantly making decisions and doing things we once did (albeit the 2.0 version). We watch and we know what they SHOULD do, because we did not do what we SHOULD'VE done. We want to spare them the use of the all too often coined phrase "hindsight is 20/20". No one spared us though, they did not even try, or did they?
Let me give you all a good example of this. As a high school senior I earned an academic scholarship to a private school in North Carolina. It was in the town I was living in, therefore I would live at home. I began my Freshman year there , and did okay. It was a lovely campus , the kind I dream of sending my children to (especially tuition free). Well, In the meantime I met a guy ( never mind that he is now my husband of 22 years) and I left my full scholarship to the prestigious private college and transferred to USF to be near him. Goodbye fully paid tuition, hello out of state tuition. I honestly do not know how my parents did not kill me. Or at the very least say No, I couldn't go. They had to be shaking their heads, thinking don't do this. You only get one shot at all of this. Yet they let me go. Now, I am a parent about the same age they were when faced with these" letting me make my own decisions "moments. My son recently made a decision as well. A change of schools, of majors and basically life choices. The older, wiser me with a penchant for dreaming of what could've been , had to let him do it. Is it easy? NO . Do I probably know better what is good for him? YES. But it's ultimately his life. These decisions shape who we are. I have no doubt that his middle age years will lead to a lot of "look backs" and hindsight moments. Everybody's does , I guess. Good things came out of my hasty decision to leave my original college, things like a solid marriage and a fairly blessed life. In fact, if my parents had used their hindsight to try and sway me they would not have had their 3 grandchildren. They must have bit holes in their tongues, like I have. My tongue resembles a piece of swiss cheese since the arrival of the teen years in my house (x3 by the way).
So, when I am asked for advice by my children I will give it . I will tell them my mistakes, regrets and things that I wish I would've done differently. I won't make my life theirs though. They will get the chance to earn the right to say, with wistfulness ,"hindsight is 20/20"... I mean , otherwise all we have to show for middle age is the wrinkles, grey hair and mushy abs.
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
Monday, February 1, 2016
From Mikey to Michael
A few days ago , Mikey asked me if we could go to the mall. I was very preoccupied with his sister's new found head injury courtesy of cheerleading and his brother's bronchitis that was lingering a little too long. In classic third child fashion he said "never mind, we can go tomorrow." I breathed a sigh of relief, because I literally had no time to squeeze a trip to the mall into my day. Later on , I began to think about how Mikey so easily backed down. Almost like he realized his importance in the big scheme of things, predestined by birth order , and by no fault of his own. I felt very disgusted with myself . Of all my children, Mikey is the sweetest. He , out of everyone else who lives here, deserves to go the mall the most. Now I wanted to know why he wanted to go the mall, why the kid who never asks for anything , felt the need to ask to go the mall.
Turns out he ripped a pair of pants that he had gotten for Christmas, and wanted a new pair. Sounds reasonable, right? Sure, but up until now Mikey would've just WORE the pants and not even cared. This desire for the replacement pants is more than just a need for new clothing , it is a sign. A sign that my baby is becoming a teenager and now cares about his appearance.
This hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks. My little boy , the one I can still count on to hug me for no reason, fight about taking a shower , still watch SpongeBob and eat cereal after school was soon going to be one of THEM. And I have enough of THEM around here. I want a little boy. But I know this is not possible, the stopping of time is an impossibility , if it wasn't no one would ever have teenagers in the first place. Mikey is at that" in between " . He wants cool clothes, shoes and hair. He wants to fit in. He's even recently started asking when is he getting braces, because kids are starting to notice his "jacked up teeth". It has been happening for a while now, but I have been turning the other cheek to it. Playing the ostrich mom, if I hide from it maybe it won't happen. However, when I take a look at my son, I see the metamorphosis beginning. Long arms and legs that almost appear awkward right now , a face taking on more bone structure and losing that softness that I love to kiss goodnight. A growth spurt is eminent , and so is the desire for freedom. Freedom from being the "baby" and longing to try new things. This is something I know I cannot stop. With the other two children, I didn't feel so melancholy about it. Zach needed to grow up, so I could handle the other two . Sophie was born 15 , so her becoming a teenager was barely noticeable . Mikey, however, has been my connection to still having a "little one" and that was coming to an end. This clearly is more about me clinging to something , than Mikey becoming a teenager . It is about my journey through motherhood coming to a crossroads. I will have three young adults , who need me less from a physical aspect but more from an emotional one. I will have one more child who is almost a grown up , one more child whose voice will deepen , who will have tormented days as he tries to figure out who he is and who he wants to be. And I will go through it with him, just as I am going through it with his brother and sister. But even though he will be a teenager and start acting like someone I don't recognize , all I will see when I look at him is that blue eyed, good natured baby who never fussed or complained about anything. That's what will get me through Mikey's journey to Michael.
Turns out he ripped a pair of pants that he had gotten for Christmas, and wanted a new pair. Sounds reasonable, right? Sure, but up until now Mikey would've just WORE the pants and not even cared. This desire for the replacement pants is more than just a need for new clothing , it is a sign. A sign that my baby is becoming a teenager and now cares about his appearance.
This hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks. My little boy , the one I can still count on to hug me for no reason, fight about taking a shower , still watch SpongeBob and eat cereal after school was soon going to be one of THEM. And I have enough of THEM around here. I want a little boy. But I know this is not possible, the stopping of time is an impossibility , if it wasn't no one would ever have teenagers in the first place. Mikey is at that" in between " . He wants cool clothes, shoes and hair. He wants to fit in. He's even recently started asking when is he getting braces, because kids are starting to notice his "jacked up teeth". It has been happening for a while now, but I have been turning the other cheek to it. Playing the ostrich mom, if I hide from it maybe it won't happen. However, when I take a look at my son, I see the metamorphosis beginning. Long arms and legs that almost appear awkward right now , a face taking on more bone structure and losing that softness that I love to kiss goodnight. A growth spurt is eminent , and so is the desire for freedom. Freedom from being the "baby" and longing to try new things. This is something I know I cannot stop. With the other two children, I didn't feel so melancholy about it. Zach needed to grow up, so I could handle the other two . Sophie was born 15 , so her becoming a teenager was barely noticeable . Mikey, however, has been my connection to still having a "little one" and that was coming to an end. This clearly is more about me clinging to something , than Mikey becoming a teenager . It is about my journey through motherhood coming to a crossroads. I will have three young adults , who need me less from a physical aspect but more from an emotional one. I will have one more child who is almost a grown up , one more child whose voice will deepen , who will have tormented days as he tries to figure out who he is and who he wants to be. And I will go through it with him, just as I am going through it with his brother and sister. But even though he will be a teenager and start acting like someone I don't recognize , all I will see when I look at him is that blue eyed, good natured baby who never fussed or complained about anything. That's what will get me through Mikey's journey to Michael.
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Because 15 Deserves A Whole Blog, Not Just a Status
15 years ago tonight I had just finished putting up my Christmas tree (yes, I was very holiday spirited back then and the tree went up on Thanksgiving weekend) and I went out to eat with my parents and my then 3 year old son . I was 38 weeks pregnant , and HUNGRY. So we went to my toddlers favorite restaurant at the time, Perkins. I ate like a trucker coming off of a 4 day haul . I even demanded cherry pie (I was obsessed with red foods my entire pregnancy ...hmmm) which Perkins did not have. My swollen , pregnant reaction to the waiter telling me they had no cherry pie must've scared him enough to show up with a piece topped with whipped cream within 7 minutes. The exact time it takes to get to the Publix located directly across the street ..coincidence? Maybe...
After my parents rolled me back home and into bed , I settled in for a good night sleep. But someone had other ideas. That someone was a 2 week early , tiny redhead who came fast and furiously. By 4:16 AM after the Perkins eat- a -thon (and thankfully no C-section , because clearly I would have died due to the over indulgence of food 4 hours prior..) I was given my daughter. A DAUGHTER. I did not know I was having a girl, every sonogram her legs were closed tight. A great habit that I hope follows her for a little while longer . She was beautiful. Tiny and screaming , but beautiful. And I was instantly in love. Even though she was not my first experience with newborn love, she was a totally different experience. I did not know how badly that I wanted a daughter, until I gave birth to her. I got to have a little girl, a sweet ,pink loving , gentle little girl. A perfect balance to the rough and tumble" all boy" son I already had. I couldn't wait to be a girl mom.
And the last 15 years have not been a disappointment, this "girl mom "thing. I got to dress her up, style her beautiful red hair , buy her cute (many, many cute) things. I got to go to dance recitals , cheer competitions , Twilight movies, sleepovers . I got to be part of her friends circle in elementary school, which has helped me still (sort of ) be part of her high school life. I got to be there for her first period , her first formal dance and her first boyfriend. It has been a roller coaster ride sometimes , and we have had some real knock down drag out fights. Having a daughter has been like living my life over again, but better. I get to watch and help out when needed. It is also just as painful ,when the mistakes she is making are obvious ,but she's got to learn from them to shape her into the person she is to become.
So tomorrow at 4:16 am my baby will turn 15. She has grown into such a smart, sensitive , beautiful person. She is everything I hoped she would be that early morning when I held her 5lb. body in my hands , and looked into her muddy blue eyes. And more. She's taught me just as much as I have taught her. I am so glad I have a girl in this crazy mix of boys. She is my sanity, my heart, my best friend. Happy Birthday to my Sophie Elaine.
After my parents rolled me back home and into bed , I settled in for a good night sleep. But someone had other ideas. That someone was a 2 week early , tiny redhead who came fast and furiously. By 4:16 AM after the Perkins eat- a -thon (and thankfully no C-section , because clearly I would have died due to the over indulgence of food 4 hours prior..) I was given my daughter. A DAUGHTER. I did not know I was having a girl, every sonogram her legs were closed tight. A great habit that I hope follows her for a little while longer . She was beautiful. Tiny and screaming , but beautiful. And I was instantly in love. Even though she was not my first experience with newborn love, she was a totally different experience. I did not know how badly that I wanted a daughter, until I gave birth to her. I got to have a little girl, a sweet ,pink loving , gentle little girl. A perfect balance to the rough and tumble" all boy" son I already had. I couldn't wait to be a girl mom.
And the last 15 years have not been a disappointment, this "girl mom "thing. I got to dress her up, style her beautiful red hair , buy her cute (many, many cute) things. I got to go to dance recitals , cheer competitions , Twilight movies, sleepovers . I got to be part of her friends circle in elementary school, which has helped me still (sort of ) be part of her high school life. I got to be there for her first period , her first formal dance and her first boyfriend. It has been a roller coaster ride sometimes , and we have had some real knock down drag out fights. Having a daughter has been like living my life over again, but better. I get to watch and help out when needed. It is also just as painful ,when the mistakes she is making are obvious ,but she's got to learn from them to shape her into the person she is to become.
So tomorrow at 4:16 am my baby will turn 15. She has grown into such a smart, sensitive , beautiful person. She is everything I hoped she would be that early morning when I held her 5lb. body in my hands , and looked into her muddy blue eyes. And more. She's taught me just as much as I have taught her. I am so glad I have a girl in this crazy mix of boys. She is my sanity, my heart, my best friend. Happy Birthday to my Sophie Elaine.
Saturday, November 7, 2015
The 4 Levels of HELL : Uh, I Mean Motherhood
Recently a mom of a one year old said to me , "Gee, how nice it must be to not have to worry about your kids hurting themselves every second. I can't wait until she's a little bigger and I can relax". There was so much wrong with that statement I didn't know where to begin. I didn't have the heart to tell her you will NEVER relax again, you will just be in a different panic mode with each age group. I let her think that as soon as her baby got a grip on walking and not putting everything in her mouth it would be smooth sailing. I mean , why should I tell her differently? No one told me any different. The worry and panic does not dissipate it merely changes , and there are several levels throughout motherhood that we all will go through (if we care and are engaged in our children's lives).
Pregnancy: This stage of motherhood is the very earliest of the worrying . It starts with "Oh God! Did that glass of wine I had the night I conceived cause my child brain damage?' , and develops into " Can I just have one cup of coffee a day to help me actually survive this stage (this is usually not a first pregnancy worry, more like a second or third ..)?". There is also the weigh issue , the not eating mercury laden foods issue, the keeping yourself from sleeping on your back , your side, your stomach so as not to hurt this tiny being inside . That's right , there 's no comfortable or safe position to sleep in , which leads to many sleepless nights of , you guessed it, worry! This stage ends with the happiest event in any mother's life, the birth of her child. Whew... we did it. Sadly, though that level of worry we just lived through as mothers is the easiest one we will experience....
Infancy: This stage is filled with worry of all kinds, and it's usually ridiculous. From the minute our spouses drive 8 MPH home from the hospital (with the mother in the backseat staring in fear at her new love) the worry kicks in. The "why is he/she crying so much?" , the "OOH .. is that poop color normal, is that poop too runny , is he/she ever going to poop?" ..Poop fills a lot of the worrying very early on in a mother's journey... The calls to the pediatrician about fevers, teething, lack of appetite, too much appetite . It is a full year of worrying that we are surely killing our baby , in some way , shape or form if we don't notify the pediatrician about EVERYTHING. (Once again, this is baby #1 ..Baby # 2 the worry is a little less..).
Toddlers: This is the stage where mothers are on high alert . We have to have heads on a swivel because these people are DAREDEVILS. They climb, jump, eat things that are not meant to be eaten. And we, as mothers , must predict what they will do next. It is exhausting! And we worry. Because , they wind up falling, pulling sharp, breakable things down on themselves and swallowing things that are shiny and small (like coins or watch batteries) and we must be prepared for any and all of these things to happen at any given time, and usually right in front of us. We worry that they will not be fit for human interaction if they happen to be biters, or spitters or even tattletales..I had all three(I'll let you guess who was who). This stage ends the morning we walk this little being into their kindergarten class , either we are crying or we can't wait to get to the gym and Starbucks (usually the second option is reserved for the 2nd or 3rd child. ). The worry we had for the toddlers has dissipated into a whole new chapter and it's a loooong one.
School-age/PreTeen: I am combining these two because the worry is the same . We worry they will never understand the "new" math( because we don't), we worry they won't be liked by their peers, or they will be liked TOO much. We worry about letting them go to their first sleepover (the interview process of the sleepover host was similar to an FBI interview when mine started going ). We worry about lice , then we worry we will never get rid of the lice that our second grade daughter with hair down to her rear end inevitably got TWICE (usually at a damn sleepover). We worry that they will find out Santa is not real at school by some little heathen who had it ruined for him by an older sibling..and we worry that we can't stay awake long enough to play "tooth fairy" and have to make up some elaborate story as to what happen to the little pain in the ass pixie the night before. Many a morning Mikey woke up with no money under his pillow, tooth still there. He actually made out the best , because then he got guilt money (exponentially greater than lame tooth fairy money). Then one day we are clapping out our elementary schoolers and sending them to middle school , where worry is more about keeping up academically and keeping them from getting in the wrong crowd...speaking of which here come the Teen Years.
Teens: I can not write how much there is to worry about in this stage because that would fill a book. So I will go over the highlights . Driving is at the top of the list. All of a sudden , as mothers, we must let our child maneuver a 2 ton vehicle when that very child can't pour cereal without spilling it all over the kitchen counter. It is ludicrous , but we must do it. We are destined to worry forever about this one folks ,so just get used that sinking feeling in your stomach as they drive off EVERY SINGLE TIME. If you feel like you ate something bad for lunch, you probably didn't it's just your child heading to the mall in their car . Another biggie is drug use/experimentation/exposure. Now, you moms who do not have teens yet probably think "Oh no , not my little Johnny/Jane , I taught my child to just say no" . Ok, well unless they are going to school in a bubble they will be exposed and most will TRY . Now the worry must turn into fear. Fear of drinking , fear of getting in cars with kids who have been drinking, fear of hurting themselves or others. See, doesn't that glass of wine you had when you were pregnant pale in comparison to this level of worry? This is a whole new playing field and it is where hope enters the motherhood stage. You hope that they will use common sense(they won't ), you hope they will hear your voice in their head as they take that beer from their friend(they may), you hope that when they inevitably do make these choices they will learn from them(most do ..eventually). This is the stage of motherhood I am in currently X 3. It is a constant state of questioning , worry and panic. It is so much more intense than the any of the other stages , plus we are OLD. We are TIRED. We need them to start being mature, rational beings so we can relax. I hope that is on the horizon for me.. but I am sure there is more worry ahead.
I just made motherhood sound like nothing but worry, panic and a big headache. All you moms reading this know that is not the case. You know that even though it is filled with those things, it is also filled with smiles, laughs , love and pride. I get those tenfold every single day which makes the underlying stomachache I have (and have had since 1997 ) all worth while.
Pregnancy: This stage of motherhood is the very earliest of the worrying . It starts with "Oh God! Did that glass of wine I had the night I conceived cause my child brain damage?' , and develops into " Can I just have one cup of coffee a day to help me actually survive this stage (this is usually not a first pregnancy worry, more like a second or third ..)?". There is also the weigh issue , the not eating mercury laden foods issue, the keeping yourself from sleeping on your back , your side, your stomach so as not to hurt this tiny being inside . That's right , there 's no comfortable or safe position to sleep in , which leads to many sleepless nights of , you guessed it, worry! This stage ends with the happiest event in any mother's life, the birth of her child. Whew... we did it. Sadly, though that level of worry we just lived through as mothers is the easiest one we will experience....
Infancy: This stage is filled with worry of all kinds, and it's usually ridiculous. From the minute our spouses drive 8 MPH home from the hospital (with the mother in the backseat staring in fear at her new love) the worry kicks in. The "why is he/she crying so much?" , the "OOH .. is that poop color normal, is that poop too runny , is he/she ever going to poop?" ..Poop fills a lot of the worrying very early on in a mother's journey... The calls to the pediatrician about fevers, teething, lack of appetite, too much appetite . It is a full year of worrying that we are surely killing our baby , in some way , shape or form if we don't notify the pediatrician about EVERYTHING. (Once again, this is baby #1 ..Baby # 2 the worry is a little less..).
Toddlers: This is the stage where mothers are on high alert . We have to have heads on a swivel because these people are DAREDEVILS. They climb, jump, eat things that are not meant to be eaten. And we, as mothers , must predict what they will do next. It is exhausting! And we worry. Because , they wind up falling, pulling sharp, breakable things down on themselves and swallowing things that are shiny and small (like coins or watch batteries) and we must be prepared for any and all of these things to happen at any given time, and usually right in front of us. We worry that they will not be fit for human interaction if they happen to be biters, or spitters or even tattletales..I had all three(I'll let you guess who was who). This stage ends the morning we walk this little being into their kindergarten class , either we are crying or we can't wait to get to the gym and Starbucks (usually the second option is reserved for the 2nd or 3rd child. ). The worry we had for the toddlers has dissipated into a whole new chapter and it's a loooong one.
School-age/PreTeen: I am combining these two because the worry is the same . We worry they will never understand the "new" math( because we don't), we worry they won't be liked by their peers, or they will be liked TOO much. We worry about letting them go to their first sleepover (the interview process of the sleepover host was similar to an FBI interview when mine started going ). We worry about lice , then we worry we will never get rid of the lice that our second grade daughter with hair down to her rear end inevitably got TWICE (usually at a damn sleepover). We worry that they will find out Santa is not real at school by some little heathen who had it ruined for him by an older sibling..and we worry that we can't stay awake long enough to play "tooth fairy" and have to make up some elaborate story as to what happen to the little pain in the ass pixie the night before. Many a morning Mikey woke up with no money under his pillow, tooth still there. He actually made out the best , because then he got guilt money (exponentially greater than lame tooth fairy money). Then one day we are clapping out our elementary schoolers and sending them to middle school , where worry is more about keeping up academically and keeping them from getting in the wrong crowd...speaking of which here come the Teen Years.
Teens: I can not write how much there is to worry about in this stage because that would fill a book. So I will go over the highlights . Driving is at the top of the list. All of a sudden , as mothers, we must let our child maneuver a 2 ton vehicle when that very child can't pour cereal without spilling it all over the kitchen counter. It is ludicrous , but we must do it. We are destined to worry forever about this one folks ,so just get used that sinking feeling in your stomach as they drive off EVERY SINGLE TIME. If you feel like you ate something bad for lunch, you probably didn't it's just your child heading to the mall in their car . Another biggie is drug use/experimentation/exposure. Now, you moms who do not have teens yet probably think "Oh no , not my little Johnny/Jane , I taught my child to just say no" . Ok, well unless they are going to school in a bubble they will be exposed and most will TRY . Now the worry must turn into fear. Fear of drinking , fear of getting in cars with kids who have been drinking, fear of hurting themselves or others. See, doesn't that glass of wine you had when you were pregnant pale in comparison to this level of worry? This is a whole new playing field and it is where hope enters the motherhood stage. You hope that they will use common sense(they won't ), you hope they will hear your voice in their head as they take that beer from their friend(they may), you hope that when they inevitably do make these choices they will learn from them(most do ..eventually). This is the stage of motherhood I am in currently X 3. It is a constant state of questioning , worry and panic. It is so much more intense than the any of the other stages , plus we are OLD. We are TIRED. We need them to start being mature, rational beings so we can relax. I hope that is on the horizon for me.. but I am sure there is more worry ahead.
I just made motherhood sound like nothing but worry, panic and a big headache. All you moms reading this know that is not the case. You know that even though it is filled with those things, it is also filled with smiles, laughs , love and pride. I get those tenfold every single day which makes the underlying stomachache I have (and have had since 1997 ) all worth while.
Sunday, August 9, 2015
My 2AM thoughts last night...
"The days are long but the years are short". We have all heard this quote at one time or another. When you're young it doesn't make any sense. How can days be long, but years short?? I remember thinking that once myself. Just shaking my head and chalking it up to someone's supposed middle aged wisdom. Then one day, I knew what it meant. I cannot pinpoint the day that I had this revelation, I'm sure it was a series of events that made it all clear. Events like Pre-K graduations, 5th grade clap-outs, middle school dances and the long awaited high school graduation. These things make you realize that the day to day tedium of raising a family soon just melds into many years passing by, leaving you with memories of the little children you once shared your entire day with (literally from sun up to sun down- in many cases to sun up again).
This week another milestone will happen in our family, proof once again how short the years actually are. My oldest child will turn 18 this week. This child, who seemingly just came into my life , has actually been here for 18 years. And believe me , when he was a baby the days were looooong. He was colicky, then he was a biter, then extremely active...well you get the picture . It was very trying as a young mother to deal with those early years, I remember thinking will this child EVER sleep? HA! The answer to that question is a resounding YES, but it took a while. In that while , our lives were going by. He was going to kindergarten, while I was home with a toddler, and a big belly. He was entering middle school , while my youngest was entering his first year of school. He was in high school for what seemed like a nano second. Homecomings, talent shows, football games, baseball games, awards nights...all just a blip on the radar of his childhood. All things I will be forever grateful that I got to share. Then just like that it was over. Those seemingly long days morphed into 18 quick years. And the other two children are hot on his heels.
So, now that I am at a point in my life where my children sleep late(ridiculously LATE) , can be taken out in public without any meltdowns, and eat and poop on their own I realize the meaning of that old saying. I am sometimes wistful of those long days which did not only have the tantrums and the constant feeding/changing schedule ; it also had the hugs, playgroups and unconditional love that comes with having babies. The days were so long because they were jam packed with it all. The years seem short because while we are in it we are not taking it all in enough. Then, one day your supposed middle aged wisdom kicks in and you know exactly how short the years are. And you cry a little, you smile a lot at all that has already happened and you look forward to experiencing all the rest with the little lives that have now become big ones. I'm lucky, I have 2 more children to still enjoy the seemingly " little" stuff with. Only difference is, now I know it's actually the "big" stuff .
This week another milestone will happen in our family, proof once again how short the years actually are. My oldest child will turn 18 this week. This child, who seemingly just came into my life , has actually been here for 18 years. And believe me , when he was a baby the days were looooong. He was colicky, then he was a biter, then extremely active...well you get the picture . It was very trying as a young mother to deal with those early years, I remember thinking will this child EVER sleep? HA! The answer to that question is a resounding YES, but it took a while. In that while , our lives were going by. He was going to kindergarten, while I was home with a toddler, and a big belly. He was entering middle school , while my youngest was entering his first year of school. He was in high school for what seemed like a nano second. Homecomings, talent shows, football games, baseball games, awards nights...all just a blip on the radar of his childhood. All things I will be forever grateful that I got to share. Then just like that it was over. Those seemingly long days morphed into 18 quick years. And the other two children are hot on his heels.
So, now that I am at a point in my life where my children sleep late(ridiculously LATE) , can be taken out in public without any meltdowns, and eat and poop on their own I realize the meaning of that old saying. I am sometimes wistful of those long days which did not only have the tantrums and the constant feeding/changing schedule ; it also had the hugs, playgroups and unconditional love that comes with having babies. The days were so long because they were jam packed with it all. The years seem short because while we are in it we are not taking it all in enough. Then, one day your supposed middle aged wisdom kicks in and you know exactly how short the years are. And you cry a little, you smile a lot at all that has already happened and you look forward to experiencing all the rest with the little lives that have now become big ones. I'm lucky, I have 2 more children to still enjoy the seemingly " little" stuff with. Only difference is, now I know it's actually the "big" stuff .
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
I'm gonna miss this
I am not one of those parents who counts down the days until school starts with excitement. I am one of those parents that counts down the start of school with dread. I love the lazy, no real schedule , days of summer. I love that my kids can sleep in , that we can go to the movies in the middle of the day, that eating dinner at 5pm is perfectly ok, or eating breakfast at 1pm is just as ok. I love that I can get up and get a whole lo accomplished before anyone else is even stirring in their beds. I allow summer assignments to be started in August ( no earlier) , because summer assignments are stupid anyhow. In fact, tomorrow I am buying Mikey's book that he needs to read, and he will get started on it on Saturday , which is AUGUST 1st. I am the most relaxed I will ever be in the months of June and July , and the first 2 weeks of August. After that all hell breaks loose. Our schedules become so tight, our meal times become so erratic, and our moods are very volatile due to all that is on our plates. We get a lot accomplished throughout the school year, and we learn a lot of new things. We play sports, we go to school functions, we volunteer, we take tests and push our limits . We overachieve (Sophie), we underachieve (Mikey) and we lecture everyone on why all these school year activities and classes are important (Me.) The nine months of the school year are jam packed, even the weekends. Homework, projects, sports all fill our weekends to the point where Sundays at 9pm we not only watch the Walking Dead , we are the Walking Dead.
The point I am trying to make, in a round a bout way , is that summer break is exactly that for this family: a break. A much needed re-charging so that everyone can be at peak performance in the Fall. I will not apologize for the late sleeping, the binge Netflix watching , non educational readers who are my children during these 10 weeks. They need this time, and I cherish it . I only have 6 more summer breaks before they are all out of school , and all out on their own. So, I am going to enjoy every lazy, non productive minute.
The point I am trying to make, in a round a bout way , is that summer break is exactly that for this family: a break. A much needed re-charging so that everyone can be at peak performance in the Fall. I will not apologize for the late sleeping, the binge Netflix watching , non educational readers who are my children during these 10 weeks. They need this time, and I cherish it . I only have 6 more summer breaks before they are all out of school , and all out on their own. So, I am going to enjoy every lazy, non productive minute.
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
A little Pre -Graduation Gift for my Zach
May 27 2015
Dear Zach,
I remember the day you started kindergarten like it was yesterday. It was your fifth birthday. You were scared and holding my hand so tight, the big blue eyes I had fallen in love with were brimming with tears. You looked at me like you were puzzled, like why was my mom leaving me here? Why couldn't I just go home , watch Barney and play with my dinosaurs like had been doing for 5 years, all with the comfort of my mother in the next room ? That is what you were silently saying to me as you watched me walk out of that brightly colored classroom into the hot August sun, fighting away the tears that were brimming in my own eyes. I left you there to blossom and grow in a world that was separate from me. In a world where Zach wasn't the center of the Universe, a world where he had to learn to play and work and figure things out on his own. Now , that 13 year journey is winding down. But I still feel the tears brimming in my eyes , and I still see that blonde chubby 5 year old looking at me quizzically . This time I won't be walking you to your classroom, I will be watching as your car pulls away on your first day of college. I will be standing out in the hot summer sun once again, fighting the tears, but this time I know you are prepared. You have learned to play, work and figure things out over these years and now you are ready to learn about Zach. You will learn what I already know, that new beginnings are scary but they are just the starting line for who we are to become. I am proud of you. I am excited for you . Most of all , I am here for you just like always , in your corner and on your side. I love you very much Zach. Happy Graduation!
Love,
Mom
Dear Zach,
I remember the day you started kindergarten like it was yesterday. It was your fifth birthday. You were scared and holding my hand so tight, the big blue eyes I had fallen in love with were brimming with tears. You looked at me like you were puzzled, like why was my mom leaving me here? Why couldn't I just go home , watch Barney and play with my dinosaurs like had been doing for 5 years, all with the comfort of my mother in the next room ? That is what you were silently saying to me as you watched me walk out of that brightly colored classroom into the hot August sun, fighting away the tears that were brimming in my own eyes. I left you there to blossom and grow in a world that was separate from me. In a world where Zach wasn't the center of the Universe, a world where he had to learn to play and work and figure things out on his own. Now , that 13 year journey is winding down. But I still feel the tears brimming in my eyes , and I still see that blonde chubby 5 year old looking at me quizzically . This time I won't be walking you to your classroom, I will be watching as your car pulls away on your first day of college. I will be standing out in the hot summer sun once again, fighting the tears, but this time I know you are prepared. You have learned to play, work and figure things out over these years and now you are ready to learn about Zach. You will learn what I already know, that new beginnings are scary but they are just the starting line for who we are to become. I am proud of you. I am excited for you . Most of all , I am here for you just like always , in your corner and on your side. I love you very much Zach. Happy Graduation!
Love,
Mom
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