Recently a mom of a one year old said to me , "Gee, how nice it must be to not have to worry about your kids hurting themselves every second. I can't wait until she's a little bigger and I can relax". There was so much wrong with that statement I didn't know where to begin. I didn't have the heart to tell her you will NEVER relax again, you will just be in a different panic mode with each age group. I let her think that as soon as her baby got a grip on walking and not putting everything in her mouth it would be smooth sailing. I mean , why should I tell her differently? No one told me any different. The worry and panic does not dissipate it merely changes , and there are several levels throughout motherhood that we all will go through (if we care and are engaged in our children's lives).
Pregnancy: This stage of motherhood is the very earliest of the worrying . It starts with "Oh God! Did that glass of wine I had the night I conceived cause my child brain damage?' , and develops into " Can I just have one cup of coffee a day to help me actually survive this stage (this is usually not a first pregnancy worry, more like a second or third ..)?". There is also the weigh issue , the not eating mercury laden foods issue, the keeping yourself from sleeping on your back , your side, your stomach so as not to hurt this tiny being inside . That's right , there 's no comfortable or safe position to sleep in , which leads to many sleepless nights of , you guessed it, worry! This stage ends with the happiest event in any mother's life, the birth of her child. Whew... we did it. Sadly, though that level of worry we just lived through as mothers is the easiest one we will experience....
Infancy: This stage is filled with worry of all kinds, and it's usually ridiculous. From the minute our spouses drive 8 MPH home from the hospital (with the mother in the backseat staring in fear at her new love) the worry kicks in. The "why is he/she crying so much?" , the "OOH .. is that poop color normal, is that poop too runny , is he/she ever going to poop?" ..Poop fills a lot of the worrying very early on in a mother's journey... The calls to the pediatrician about fevers, teething, lack of appetite, too much appetite . It is a full year of worrying that we are surely killing our baby , in some way , shape or form if we don't notify the pediatrician about EVERYTHING. (Once again, this is baby #1 ..Baby # 2 the worry is a little less..).
Toddlers: This is the stage where mothers are on high alert . We have to have heads on a swivel because these people are DAREDEVILS. They climb, jump, eat things that are not meant to be eaten. And we, as mothers , must predict what they will do next. It is exhausting! And we worry. Because , they wind up falling, pulling sharp, breakable things down on themselves and swallowing things that are shiny and small (like coins or watch batteries) and we must be prepared for any and all of these things to happen at any given time, and usually right in front of us. We worry that they will not be fit for human interaction if they happen to be biters, or spitters or even tattletales..I had all three(I'll let you guess who was who). This stage ends the morning we walk this little being into their kindergarten class , either we are crying or we can't wait to get to the gym and Starbucks (usually the second option is reserved for the 2nd or 3rd child. ). The worry we had for the toddlers has dissipated into a whole new chapter and it's a loooong one.
School-age/PreTeen: I am combining these two because the worry is the same . We worry they will never understand the "new" math( because we don't), we worry they won't be liked by their peers, or they will be liked TOO much. We worry about letting them go to their first sleepover (the interview process of the sleepover host was similar to an FBI interview when mine started going ). We worry about lice , then we worry we will never get rid of the lice that our second grade daughter with hair down to her rear end inevitably got TWICE (usually at a damn sleepover). We worry that they will find out Santa is not real at school by some little heathen who had it ruined for him by an older sibling..and we worry that we can't stay awake long enough to play "tooth fairy" and have to make up some elaborate story as to what happen to the little pain in the ass pixie the night before. Many a morning Mikey woke up with no money under his pillow, tooth still there. He actually made out the best , because then he got guilt money (exponentially greater than lame tooth fairy money). Then one day we are clapping out our elementary schoolers and sending them to middle school , where worry is more about keeping up academically and keeping them from getting in the wrong crowd...speaking of which here come the Teen Years.
Teens: I can not write how much there is to worry about in this stage because that would fill a book. So I will go over the highlights . Driving is at the top of the list. All of a sudden , as mothers, we must let our child maneuver a 2 ton vehicle when that very child can't pour cereal without spilling it all over the kitchen counter. It is ludicrous , but we must do it. We are destined to worry forever about this one folks ,so just get used that sinking feeling in your stomach as they drive off EVERY SINGLE TIME. If you feel like you ate something bad for lunch, you probably didn't it's just your child heading to the mall in their car . Another biggie is drug use/experimentation/exposure. Now, you moms who do not have teens yet probably think "Oh no , not my little Johnny/Jane , I taught my child to just say no" . Ok, well unless they are going to school in a bubble they will be exposed and most will TRY . Now the worry must turn into fear. Fear of drinking , fear of getting in cars with kids who have been drinking, fear of hurting themselves or others. See, doesn't that glass of wine you had when you were pregnant pale in comparison to this level of worry? This is a whole new playing field and it is where hope enters the motherhood stage. You hope that they will use common sense(they won't ), you hope they will hear your voice in their head as they take that beer from their friend(they may), you hope that when they inevitably do make these choices they will learn from them(most do ..eventually). This is the stage of motherhood I am in currently X 3. It is a constant state of questioning , worry and panic. It is so much more intense than the any of the other stages , plus we are OLD. We are TIRED. We need them to start being mature, rational beings so we can relax. I hope that is on the horizon for me.. but I am sure there is more worry ahead.
I just made motherhood sound like nothing but worry, panic and a big headache. All you moms reading this know that is not the case. You know that even though it is filled with those things, it is also filled with smiles, laughs , love and pride. I get those tenfold every single day which makes the underlying stomachache I have (and have had since 1997 ) all worth while.
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