I have taken a rather long hiatus from writing. Not because I have nothing to say , in fact, quite the opposite. I have so much in me, spilling out at all times. It just isn't coming out on to paper - its coming out in the form of tears, in the form of over eating, in the form of starving myself, in the form of sleep aids and in the form of anger. To write what I have been feeling for the last 15 months would startle the reader , because it is so raw. So uncharacteristic of all the things everyone believes that I am, that I shoud be.
I never understood survival mode until now. 54 years in to this existence and I am in full on survival mode. I do not know what is next, and I have ALWAYS known what was next. I wake up everyday (not wanting to) and move. I am robotic in my routines, but I get them done. I contemplate hiding, having a breakdown - but I stop myself. I keep going , even though my life is really sad and my future probably even worse. Worst of all, the person I have known for 37 years, I no longer know. Did I ever? That is quite the haunting question when you've built your life , made your choices and sacrifices for another person. If I spend too long analyzing the last three decades, I fall deeper into the abyss. I know what happened, I know how reactions created situations, and I know why it fell apart. I have spent the better part of a year and a half blaming myself, being guilt ridden and trying to be the "bigger person" . I am here to tell you that this "bigger person" is exhausted. Surviving is exhausting.And exhaustion can really alter one's mind. But then somehting happens , something peeks through the cloudiness of your day- to add a slight bit of sun, a glimmer . For me it was this:
On December 31st , this past year, I was home alone. My kids are scattered , I have no significant other, so I was watching tv (half heartedly) and for the first time in my life I thought about what it would be like to just not be here. And I could not find a negative to this idea. My job can be done by anyone, my kids are adults and succeeding, why I am I even bothering with the daily struggle of trying to be normal, trying to be happy , when inside I was hollow? In the midst of these very intrusive thoughts, I got a message. A message I assumed was a Happy New Year wish from someone , albeit early , so they could cross me off their best wishes list for the night. Turns out, it was what ended up making me realize there's bigger things than my despair, there's better things ahead. It was a picture of my sweet daughter in law's positive pregnancy test. A faint line , but a line. I immediately texted her asking if it was real. She assured me it was, and it was very early on, but it was real. From that moment on , the thought of not being here was unbearable. I want to see my baby's baby. I want a quasi second shot at all of that , of course with the boundaries set by my child and his wife. That faint line was , unknowingly by my family and friends, my life line.
So my writing took a hiatus this past year to spare my friends and family the scary thoughts and feelings that an old woman has in the midst of a very ,very shitty divorce. But I now feel a little more like my old self, and think I will have a lot of positive and exciting experiences to put on paper over the next several months , thanks to a baby who is not even here yet , a baby boy who is going to have the BEST grandma ever. A baby who showed up just in time.
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