15 years ago tonight I had just finished putting up my Christmas tree (yes, I was very holiday spirited back then and the tree went up on Thanksgiving weekend) and I went out to eat with my parents and my then 3 year old son . I was 38 weeks pregnant , and HUNGRY. So we went to my toddlers favorite restaurant at the time, Perkins. I ate like a trucker coming off of a 4 day haul . I even demanded cherry pie (I was obsessed with red foods my entire pregnancy ...hmmm) which Perkins did not have. My swollen , pregnant reaction to the waiter telling me they had no cherry pie must've scared him enough to show up with a piece topped with whipped cream within 7 minutes. The exact time it takes to get to the Publix located directly across the street ..coincidence? Maybe...
After my parents rolled me back home and into bed , I settled in for a good night sleep. But someone had other ideas. That someone was a 2 week early , tiny redhead who came fast and furiously. By 4:16 AM after the Perkins eat- a -thon (and thankfully no C-section , because clearly I would have died due to the over indulgence of food 4 hours prior..) I was given my daughter. A DAUGHTER. I did not know I was having a girl, every sonogram her legs were closed tight. A great habit that I hope follows her for a little while longer . She was beautiful. Tiny and screaming , but beautiful. And I was instantly in love. Even though she was not my first experience with newborn love, she was a totally different experience. I did not know how badly that I wanted a daughter, until I gave birth to her. I got to have a little girl, a sweet ,pink loving , gentle little girl. A perfect balance to the rough and tumble" all boy" son I already had. I couldn't wait to be a girl mom.
And the last 15 years have not been a disappointment, this "girl mom "thing. I got to dress her up, style her beautiful red hair , buy her cute (many, many cute) things. I got to go to dance recitals , cheer competitions , Twilight movies, sleepovers . I got to be part of her friends circle in elementary school, which has helped me still (sort of ) be part of her high school life. I got to be there for her first period , her first formal dance and her first boyfriend. It has been a roller coaster ride sometimes , and we have had some real knock down drag out fights. Having a daughter has been like living my life over again, but better. I get to watch and help out when needed. It is also just as painful ,when the mistakes she is making are obvious ,but she's got to learn from them to shape her into the person she is to become.
So tomorrow at 4:16 am my baby will turn 15. She has grown into such a smart, sensitive , beautiful person. She is everything I hoped she would be that early morning when I held her 5lb. body in my hands , and looked into her muddy blue eyes. And more. She's taught me just as much as I have taught her. I am so glad I have a girl in this crazy mix of boys. She is my sanity, my heart, my best friend. Happy Birthday to my Sophie Elaine.
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Saturday, November 7, 2015
The 4 Levels of HELL : Uh, I Mean Motherhood
Recently a mom of a one year old said to me , "Gee, how nice it must be to not have to worry about your kids hurting themselves every second. I can't wait until she's a little bigger and I can relax". There was so much wrong with that statement I didn't know where to begin. I didn't have the heart to tell her you will NEVER relax again, you will just be in a different panic mode with each age group. I let her think that as soon as her baby got a grip on walking and not putting everything in her mouth it would be smooth sailing. I mean , why should I tell her differently? No one told me any different. The worry and panic does not dissipate it merely changes , and there are several levels throughout motherhood that we all will go through (if we care and are engaged in our children's lives).
Pregnancy: This stage of motherhood is the very earliest of the worrying . It starts with "Oh God! Did that glass of wine I had the night I conceived cause my child brain damage?' , and develops into " Can I just have one cup of coffee a day to help me actually survive this stage (this is usually not a first pregnancy worry, more like a second or third ..)?". There is also the weigh issue , the not eating mercury laden foods issue, the keeping yourself from sleeping on your back , your side, your stomach so as not to hurt this tiny being inside . That's right , there 's no comfortable or safe position to sleep in , which leads to many sleepless nights of , you guessed it, worry! This stage ends with the happiest event in any mother's life, the birth of her child. Whew... we did it. Sadly, though that level of worry we just lived through as mothers is the easiest one we will experience....
Infancy: This stage is filled with worry of all kinds, and it's usually ridiculous. From the minute our spouses drive 8 MPH home from the hospital (with the mother in the backseat staring in fear at her new love) the worry kicks in. The "why is he/she crying so much?" , the "OOH .. is that poop color normal, is that poop too runny , is he/she ever going to poop?" ..Poop fills a lot of the worrying very early on in a mother's journey... The calls to the pediatrician about fevers, teething, lack of appetite, too much appetite . It is a full year of worrying that we are surely killing our baby , in some way , shape or form if we don't notify the pediatrician about EVERYTHING. (Once again, this is baby #1 ..Baby # 2 the worry is a little less..).
Toddlers: This is the stage where mothers are on high alert . We have to have heads on a swivel because these people are DAREDEVILS. They climb, jump, eat things that are not meant to be eaten. And we, as mothers , must predict what they will do next. It is exhausting! And we worry. Because , they wind up falling, pulling sharp, breakable things down on themselves and swallowing things that are shiny and small (like coins or watch batteries) and we must be prepared for any and all of these things to happen at any given time, and usually right in front of us. We worry that they will not be fit for human interaction if they happen to be biters, or spitters or even tattletales..I had all three(I'll let you guess who was who). This stage ends the morning we walk this little being into their kindergarten class , either we are crying or we can't wait to get to the gym and Starbucks (usually the second option is reserved for the 2nd or 3rd child. ). The worry we had for the toddlers has dissipated into a whole new chapter and it's a loooong one.
School-age/PreTeen: I am combining these two because the worry is the same . We worry they will never understand the "new" math( because we don't), we worry they won't be liked by their peers, or they will be liked TOO much. We worry about letting them go to their first sleepover (the interview process of the sleepover host was similar to an FBI interview when mine started going ). We worry about lice , then we worry we will never get rid of the lice that our second grade daughter with hair down to her rear end inevitably got TWICE (usually at a damn sleepover). We worry that they will find out Santa is not real at school by some little heathen who had it ruined for him by an older sibling..and we worry that we can't stay awake long enough to play "tooth fairy" and have to make up some elaborate story as to what happen to the little pain in the ass pixie the night before. Many a morning Mikey woke up with no money under his pillow, tooth still there. He actually made out the best , because then he got guilt money (exponentially greater than lame tooth fairy money). Then one day we are clapping out our elementary schoolers and sending them to middle school , where worry is more about keeping up academically and keeping them from getting in the wrong crowd...speaking of which here come the Teen Years.
Teens: I can not write how much there is to worry about in this stage because that would fill a book. So I will go over the highlights . Driving is at the top of the list. All of a sudden , as mothers, we must let our child maneuver a 2 ton vehicle when that very child can't pour cereal without spilling it all over the kitchen counter. It is ludicrous , but we must do it. We are destined to worry forever about this one folks ,so just get used that sinking feeling in your stomach as they drive off EVERY SINGLE TIME. If you feel like you ate something bad for lunch, you probably didn't it's just your child heading to the mall in their car . Another biggie is drug use/experimentation/exposure. Now, you moms who do not have teens yet probably think "Oh no , not my little Johnny/Jane , I taught my child to just say no" . Ok, well unless they are going to school in a bubble they will be exposed and most will TRY . Now the worry must turn into fear. Fear of drinking , fear of getting in cars with kids who have been drinking, fear of hurting themselves or others. See, doesn't that glass of wine you had when you were pregnant pale in comparison to this level of worry? This is a whole new playing field and it is where hope enters the motherhood stage. You hope that they will use common sense(they won't ), you hope they will hear your voice in their head as they take that beer from their friend(they may), you hope that when they inevitably do make these choices they will learn from them(most do ..eventually). This is the stage of motherhood I am in currently X 3. It is a constant state of questioning , worry and panic. It is so much more intense than the any of the other stages , plus we are OLD. We are TIRED. We need them to start being mature, rational beings so we can relax. I hope that is on the horizon for me.. but I am sure there is more worry ahead.
I just made motherhood sound like nothing but worry, panic and a big headache. All you moms reading this know that is not the case. You know that even though it is filled with those things, it is also filled with smiles, laughs , love and pride. I get those tenfold every single day which makes the underlying stomachache I have (and have had since 1997 ) all worth while.
Pregnancy: This stage of motherhood is the very earliest of the worrying . It starts with "Oh God! Did that glass of wine I had the night I conceived cause my child brain damage?' , and develops into " Can I just have one cup of coffee a day to help me actually survive this stage (this is usually not a first pregnancy worry, more like a second or third ..)?". There is also the weigh issue , the not eating mercury laden foods issue, the keeping yourself from sleeping on your back , your side, your stomach so as not to hurt this tiny being inside . That's right , there 's no comfortable or safe position to sleep in , which leads to many sleepless nights of , you guessed it, worry! This stage ends with the happiest event in any mother's life, the birth of her child. Whew... we did it. Sadly, though that level of worry we just lived through as mothers is the easiest one we will experience....
Infancy: This stage is filled with worry of all kinds, and it's usually ridiculous. From the minute our spouses drive 8 MPH home from the hospital (with the mother in the backseat staring in fear at her new love) the worry kicks in. The "why is he/she crying so much?" , the "OOH .. is that poop color normal, is that poop too runny , is he/she ever going to poop?" ..Poop fills a lot of the worrying very early on in a mother's journey... The calls to the pediatrician about fevers, teething, lack of appetite, too much appetite . It is a full year of worrying that we are surely killing our baby , in some way , shape or form if we don't notify the pediatrician about EVERYTHING. (Once again, this is baby #1 ..Baby # 2 the worry is a little less..).
Toddlers: This is the stage where mothers are on high alert . We have to have heads on a swivel because these people are DAREDEVILS. They climb, jump, eat things that are not meant to be eaten. And we, as mothers , must predict what they will do next. It is exhausting! And we worry. Because , they wind up falling, pulling sharp, breakable things down on themselves and swallowing things that are shiny and small (like coins or watch batteries) and we must be prepared for any and all of these things to happen at any given time, and usually right in front of us. We worry that they will not be fit for human interaction if they happen to be biters, or spitters or even tattletales..I had all three(I'll let you guess who was who). This stage ends the morning we walk this little being into their kindergarten class , either we are crying or we can't wait to get to the gym and Starbucks (usually the second option is reserved for the 2nd or 3rd child. ). The worry we had for the toddlers has dissipated into a whole new chapter and it's a loooong one.
School-age/PreTeen: I am combining these two because the worry is the same . We worry they will never understand the "new" math( because we don't), we worry they won't be liked by their peers, or they will be liked TOO much. We worry about letting them go to their first sleepover (the interview process of the sleepover host was similar to an FBI interview when mine started going ). We worry about lice , then we worry we will never get rid of the lice that our second grade daughter with hair down to her rear end inevitably got TWICE (usually at a damn sleepover). We worry that they will find out Santa is not real at school by some little heathen who had it ruined for him by an older sibling..and we worry that we can't stay awake long enough to play "tooth fairy" and have to make up some elaborate story as to what happen to the little pain in the ass pixie the night before. Many a morning Mikey woke up with no money under his pillow, tooth still there. He actually made out the best , because then he got guilt money (exponentially greater than lame tooth fairy money). Then one day we are clapping out our elementary schoolers and sending them to middle school , where worry is more about keeping up academically and keeping them from getting in the wrong crowd...speaking of which here come the Teen Years.
Teens: I can not write how much there is to worry about in this stage because that would fill a book. So I will go over the highlights . Driving is at the top of the list. All of a sudden , as mothers, we must let our child maneuver a 2 ton vehicle when that very child can't pour cereal without spilling it all over the kitchen counter. It is ludicrous , but we must do it. We are destined to worry forever about this one folks ,so just get used that sinking feeling in your stomach as they drive off EVERY SINGLE TIME. If you feel like you ate something bad for lunch, you probably didn't it's just your child heading to the mall in their car . Another biggie is drug use/experimentation/exposure. Now, you moms who do not have teens yet probably think "Oh no , not my little Johnny/Jane , I taught my child to just say no" . Ok, well unless they are going to school in a bubble they will be exposed and most will TRY . Now the worry must turn into fear. Fear of drinking , fear of getting in cars with kids who have been drinking, fear of hurting themselves or others. See, doesn't that glass of wine you had when you were pregnant pale in comparison to this level of worry? This is a whole new playing field and it is where hope enters the motherhood stage. You hope that they will use common sense(they won't ), you hope they will hear your voice in their head as they take that beer from their friend(they may), you hope that when they inevitably do make these choices they will learn from them(most do ..eventually). This is the stage of motherhood I am in currently X 3. It is a constant state of questioning , worry and panic. It is so much more intense than the any of the other stages , plus we are OLD. We are TIRED. We need them to start being mature, rational beings so we can relax. I hope that is on the horizon for me.. but I am sure there is more worry ahead.
I just made motherhood sound like nothing but worry, panic and a big headache. All you moms reading this know that is not the case. You know that even though it is filled with those things, it is also filled with smiles, laughs , love and pride. I get those tenfold every single day which makes the underlying stomachache I have (and have had since 1997 ) all worth while.
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