15 years ago tonight I had just finished putting up my Christmas tree (yes, I was very holiday spirited back then and the tree went up on Thanksgiving weekend) and I went out to eat with my parents and my then 3 year old son . I was 38 weeks pregnant , and HUNGRY. So we went to my toddlers favorite restaurant at the time, Perkins. I ate like a trucker coming off of a 4 day haul . I even demanded cherry pie (I was obsessed with red foods my entire pregnancy ...hmmm) which Perkins did not have. My swollen , pregnant reaction to the waiter telling me they had no cherry pie must've scared him enough to show up with a piece topped with whipped cream within 7 minutes. The exact time it takes to get to the Publix located directly across the street ..coincidence? Maybe...
After my parents rolled me back home and into bed , I settled in for a good night sleep. But someone had other ideas. That someone was a 2 week early , tiny redhead who came fast and furiously. By 4:16 AM after the Perkins eat- a -thon (and thankfully no C-section , because clearly I would have died due to the over indulgence of food 4 hours prior..) I was given my daughter. A DAUGHTER. I did not know I was having a girl, every sonogram her legs were closed tight. A great habit that I hope follows her for a little while longer . She was beautiful. Tiny and screaming , but beautiful. And I was instantly in love. Even though she was not my first experience with newborn love, she was a totally different experience. I did not know how badly that I wanted a daughter, until I gave birth to her. I got to have a little girl, a sweet ,pink loving , gentle little girl. A perfect balance to the rough and tumble" all boy" son I already had. I couldn't wait to be a girl mom.
And the last 15 years have not been a disappointment, this "girl mom "thing. I got to dress her up, style her beautiful red hair , buy her cute (many, many cute) things. I got to go to dance recitals , cheer competitions , Twilight movies, sleepovers . I got to be part of her friends circle in elementary school, which has helped me still (sort of ) be part of her high school life. I got to be there for her first period , her first formal dance and her first boyfriend. It has been a roller coaster ride sometimes , and we have had some real knock down drag out fights. Having a daughter has been like living my life over again, but better. I get to watch and help out when needed. It is also just as painful ,when the mistakes she is making are obvious ,but she's got to learn from them to shape her into the person she is to become.
So tomorrow at 4:16 am my baby will turn 15. She has grown into such a smart, sensitive , beautiful person. She is everything I hoped she would be that early morning when I held her 5lb. body in my hands , and looked into her muddy blue eyes. And more. She's taught me just as much as I have taught her. I am so glad I have a girl in this crazy mix of boys. She is my sanity, my heart, my best friend. Happy Birthday to my Sophie Elaine.
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Saturday, November 7, 2015
The 4 Levels of HELL : Uh, I Mean Motherhood
Recently a mom of a one year old said to me , "Gee, how nice it must be to not have to worry about your kids hurting themselves every second. I can't wait until she's a little bigger and I can relax". There was so much wrong with that statement I didn't know where to begin. I didn't have the heart to tell her you will NEVER relax again, you will just be in a different panic mode with each age group. I let her think that as soon as her baby got a grip on walking and not putting everything in her mouth it would be smooth sailing. I mean , why should I tell her differently? No one told me any different. The worry and panic does not dissipate it merely changes , and there are several levels throughout motherhood that we all will go through (if we care and are engaged in our children's lives).
Pregnancy: This stage of motherhood is the very earliest of the worrying . It starts with "Oh God! Did that glass of wine I had the night I conceived cause my child brain damage?' , and develops into " Can I just have one cup of coffee a day to help me actually survive this stage (this is usually not a first pregnancy worry, more like a second or third ..)?". There is also the weigh issue , the not eating mercury laden foods issue, the keeping yourself from sleeping on your back , your side, your stomach so as not to hurt this tiny being inside . That's right , there 's no comfortable or safe position to sleep in , which leads to many sleepless nights of , you guessed it, worry! This stage ends with the happiest event in any mother's life, the birth of her child. Whew... we did it. Sadly, though that level of worry we just lived through as mothers is the easiest one we will experience....
Infancy: This stage is filled with worry of all kinds, and it's usually ridiculous. From the minute our spouses drive 8 MPH home from the hospital (with the mother in the backseat staring in fear at her new love) the worry kicks in. The "why is he/she crying so much?" , the "OOH .. is that poop color normal, is that poop too runny , is he/she ever going to poop?" ..Poop fills a lot of the worrying very early on in a mother's journey... The calls to the pediatrician about fevers, teething, lack of appetite, too much appetite . It is a full year of worrying that we are surely killing our baby , in some way , shape or form if we don't notify the pediatrician about EVERYTHING. (Once again, this is baby #1 ..Baby # 2 the worry is a little less..).
Toddlers: This is the stage where mothers are on high alert . We have to have heads on a swivel because these people are DAREDEVILS. They climb, jump, eat things that are not meant to be eaten. And we, as mothers , must predict what they will do next. It is exhausting! And we worry. Because , they wind up falling, pulling sharp, breakable things down on themselves and swallowing things that are shiny and small (like coins or watch batteries) and we must be prepared for any and all of these things to happen at any given time, and usually right in front of us. We worry that they will not be fit for human interaction if they happen to be biters, or spitters or even tattletales..I had all three(I'll let you guess who was who). This stage ends the morning we walk this little being into their kindergarten class , either we are crying or we can't wait to get to the gym and Starbucks (usually the second option is reserved for the 2nd or 3rd child. ). The worry we had for the toddlers has dissipated into a whole new chapter and it's a loooong one.
School-age/PreTeen: I am combining these two because the worry is the same . We worry they will never understand the "new" math( because we don't), we worry they won't be liked by their peers, or they will be liked TOO much. We worry about letting them go to their first sleepover (the interview process of the sleepover host was similar to an FBI interview when mine started going ). We worry about lice , then we worry we will never get rid of the lice that our second grade daughter with hair down to her rear end inevitably got TWICE (usually at a damn sleepover). We worry that they will find out Santa is not real at school by some little heathen who had it ruined for him by an older sibling..and we worry that we can't stay awake long enough to play "tooth fairy" and have to make up some elaborate story as to what happen to the little pain in the ass pixie the night before. Many a morning Mikey woke up with no money under his pillow, tooth still there. He actually made out the best , because then he got guilt money (exponentially greater than lame tooth fairy money). Then one day we are clapping out our elementary schoolers and sending them to middle school , where worry is more about keeping up academically and keeping them from getting in the wrong crowd...speaking of which here come the Teen Years.
Teens: I can not write how much there is to worry about in this stage because that would fill a book. So I will go over the highlights . Driving is at the top of the list. All of a sudden , as mothers, we must let our child maneuver a 2 ton vehicle when that very child can't pour cereal without spilling it all over the kitchen counter. It is ludicrous , but we must do it. We are destined to worry forever about this one folks ,so just get used that sinking feeling in your stomach as they drive off EVERY SINGLE TIME. If you feel like you ate something bad for lunch, you probably didn't it's just your child heading to the mall in their car . Another biggie is drug use/experimentation/exposure. Now, you moms who do not have teens yet probably think "Oh no , not my little Johnny/Jane , I taught my child to just say no" . Ok, well unless they are going to school in a bubble they will be exposed and most will TRY . Now the worry must turn into fear. Fear of drinking , fear of getting in cars with kids who have been drinking, fear of hurting themselves or others. See, doesn't that glass of wine you had when you were pregnant pale in comparison to this level of worry? This is a whole new playing field and it is where hope enters the motherhood stage. You hope that they will use common sense(they won't ), you hope they will hear your voice in their head as they take that beer from their friend(they may), you hope that when they inevitably do make these choices they will learn from them(most do ..eventually). This is the stage of motherhood I am in currently X 3. It is a constant state of questioning , worry and panic. It is so much more intense than the any of the other stages , plus we are OLD. We are TIRED. We need them to start being mature, rational beings so we can relax. I hope that is on the horizon for me.. but I am sure there is more worry ahead.
I just made motherhood sound like nothing but worry, panic and a big headache. All you moms reading this know that is not the case. You know that even though it is filled with those things, it is also filled with smiles, laughs , love and pride. I get those tenfold every single day which makes the underlying stomachache I have (and have had since 1997 ) all worth while.
Pregnancy: This stage of motherhood is the very earliest of the worrying . It starts with "Oh God! Did that glass of wine I had the night I conceived cause my child brain damage?' , and develops into " Can I just have one cup of coffee a day to help me actually survive this stage (this is usually not a first pregnancy worry, more like a second or third ..)?". There is also the weigh issue , the not eating mercury laden foods issue, the keeping yourself from sleeping on your back , your side, your stomach so as not to hurt this tiny being inside . That's right , there 's no comfortable or safe position to sleep in , which leads to many sleepless nights of , you guessed it, worry! This stage ends with the happiest event in any mother's life, the birth of her child. Whew... we did it. Sadly, though that level of worry we just lived through as mothers is the easiest one we will experience....
Infancy: This stage is filled with worry of all kinds, and it's usually ridiculous. From the minute our spouses drive 8 MPH home from the hospital (with the mother in the backseat staring in fear at her new love) the worry kicks in. The "why is he/she crying so much?" , the "OOH .. is that poop color normal, is that poop too runny , is he/she ever going to poop?" ..Poop fills a lot of the worrying very early on in a mother's journey... The calls to the pediatrician about fevers, teething, lack of appetite, too much appetite . It is a full year of worrying that we are surely killing our baby , in some way , shape or form if we don't notify the pediatrician about EVERYTHING. (Once again, this is baby #1 ..Baby # 2 the worry is a little less..).
Toddlers: This is the stage where mothers are on high alert . We have to have heads on a swivel because these people are DAREDEVILS. They climb, jump, eat things that are not meant to be eaten. And we, as mothers , must predict what they will do next. It is exhausting! And we worry. Because , they wind up falling, pulling sharp, breakable things down on themselves and swallowing things that are shiny and small (like coins or watch batteries) and we must be prepared for any and all of these things to happen at any given time, and usually right in front of us. We worry that they will not be fit for human interaction if they happen to be biters, or spitters or even tattletales..I had all three(I'll let you guess who was who). This stage ends the morning we walk this little being into their kindergarten class , either we are crying or we can't wait to get to the gym and Starbucks (usually the second option is reserved for the 2nd or 3rd child. ). The worry we had for the toddlers has dissipated into a whole new chapter and it's a loooong one.
School-age/PreTeen: I am combining these two because the worry is the same . We worry they will never understand the "new" math( because we don't), we worry they won't be liked by their peers, or they will be liked TOO much. We worry about letting them go to their first sleepover (the interview process of the sleepover host was similar to an FBI interview when mine started going ). We worry about lice , then we worry we will never get rid of the lice that our second grade daughter with hair down to her rear end inevitably got TWICE (usually at a damn sleepover). We worry that they will find out Santa is not real at school by some little heathen who had it ruined for him by an older sibling..and we worry that we can't stay awake long enough to play "tooth fairy" and have to make up some elaborate story as to what happen to the little pain in the ass pixie the night before. Many a morning Mikey woke up with no money under his pillow, tooth still there. He actually made out the best , because then he got guilt money (exponentially greater than lame tooth fairy money). Then one day we are clapping out our elementary schoolers and sending them to middle school , where worry is more about keeping up academically and keeping them from getting in the wrong crowd...speaking of which here come the Teen Years.
Teens: I can not write how much there is to worry about in this stage because that would fill a book. So I will go over the highlights . Driving is at the top of the list. All of a sudden , as mothers, we must let our child maneuver a 2 ton vehicle when that very child can't pour cereal without spilling it all over the kitchen counter. It is ludicrous , but we must do it. We are destined to worry forever about this one folks ,so just get used that sinking feeling in your stomach as they drive off EVERY SINGLE TIME. If you feel like you ate something bad for lunch, you probably didn't it's just your child heading to the mall in their car . Another biggie is drug use/experimentation/exposure. Now, you moms who do not have teens yet probably think "Oh no , not my little Johnny/Jane , I taught my child to just say no" . Ok, well unless they are going to school in a bubble they will be exposed and most will TRY . Now the worry must turn into fear. Fear of drinking , fear of getting in cars with kids who have been drinking, fear of hurting themselves or others. See, doesn't that glass of wine you had when you were pregnant pale in comparison to this level of worry? This is a whole new playing field and it is where hope enters the motherhood stage. You hope that they will use common sense(they won't ), you hope they will hear your voice in their head as they take that beer from their friend(they may), you hope that when they inevitably do make these choices they will learn from them(most do ..eventually). This is the stage of motherhood I am in currently X 3. It is a constant state of questioning , worry and panic. It is so much more intense than the any of the other stages , plus we are OLD. We are TIRED. We need them to start being mature, rational beings so we can relax. I hope that is on the horizon for me.. but I am sure there is more worry ahead.
I just made motherhood sound like nothing but worry, panic and a big headache. All you moms reading this know that is not the case. You know that even though it is filled with those things, it is also filled with smiles, laughs , love and pride. I get those tenfold every single day which makes the underlying stomachache I have (and have had since 1997 ) all worth while.
Sunday, August 9, 2015
My 2AM thoughts last night...
"The days are long but the years are short". We have all heard this quote at one time or another. When you're young it doesn't make any sense. How can days be long, but years short?? I remember thinking that once myself. Just shaking my head and chalking it up to someone's supposed middle aged wisdom. Then one day, I knew what it meant. I cannot pinpoint the day that I had this revelation, I'm sure it was a series of events that made it all clear. Events like Pre-K graduations, 5th grade clap-outs, middle school dances and the long awaited high school graduation. These things make you realize that the day to day tedium of raising a family soon just melds into many years passing by, leaving you with memories of the little children you once shared your entire day with (literally from sun up to sun down- in many cases to sun up again).
This week another milestone will happen in our family, proof once again how short the years actually are. My oldest child will turn 18 this week. This child, who seemingly just came into my life , has actually been here for 18 years. And believe me , when he was a baby the days were looooong. He was colicky, then he was a biter, then extremely active...well you get the picture . It was very trying as a young mother to deal with those early years, I remember thinking will this child EVER sleep? HA! The answer to that question is a resounding YES, but it took a while. In that while , our lives were going by. He was going to kindergarten, while I was home with a toddler, and a big belly. He was entering middle school , while my youngest was entering his first year of school. He was in high school for what seemed like a nano second. Homecomings, talent shows, football games, baseball games, awards nights...all just a blip on the radar of his childhood. All things I will be forever grateful that I got to share. Then just like that it was over. Those seemingly long days morphed into 18 quick years. And the other two children are hot on his heels.
So, now that I am at a point in my life where my children sleep late(ridiculously LATE) , can be taken out in public without any meltdowns, and eat and poop on their own I realize the meaning of that old saying. I am sometimes wistful of those long days which did not only have the tantrums and the constant feeding/changing schedule ; it also had the hugs, playgroups and unconditional love that comes with having babies. The days were so long because they were jam packed with it all. The years seem short because while we are in it we are not taking it all in enough. Then, one day your supposed middle aged wisdom kicks in and you know exactly how short the years are. And you cry a little, you smile a lot at all that has already happened and you look forward to experiencing all the rest with the little lives that have now become big ones. I'm lucky, I have 2 more children to still enjoy the seemingly " little" stuff with. Only difference is, now I know it's actually the "big" stuff .
This week another milestone will happen in our family, proof once again how short the years actually are. My oldest child will turn 18 this week. This child, who seemingly just came into my life , has actually been here for 18 years. And believe me , when he was a baby the days were looooong. He was colicky, then he was a biter, then extremely active...well you get the picture . It was very trying as a young mother to deal with those early years, I remember thinking will this child EVER sleep? HA! The answer to that question is a resounding YES, but it took a while. In that while , our lives were going by. He was going to kindergarten, while I was home with a toddler, and a big belly. He was entering middle school , while my youngest was entering his first year of school. He was in high school for what seemed like a nano second. Homecomings, talent shows, football games, baseball games, awards nights...all just a blip on the radar of his childhood. All things I will be forever grateful that I got to share. Then just like that it was over. Those seemingly long days morphed into 18 quick years. And the other two children are hot on his heels.
So, now that I am at a point in my life where my children sleep late(ridiculously LATE) , can be taken out in public without any meltdowns, and eat and poop on their own I realize the meaning of that old saying. I am sometimes wistful of those long days which did not only have the tantrums and the constant feeding/changing schedule ; it also had the hugs, playgroups and unconditional love that comes with having babies. The days were so long because they were jam packed with it all. The years seem short because while we are in it we are not taking it all in enough. Then, one day your supposed middle aged wisdom kicks in and you know exactly how short the years are. And you cry a little, you smile a lot at all that has already happened and you look forward to experiencing all the rest with the little lives that have now become big ones. I'm lucky, I have 2 more children to still enjoy the seemingly " little" stuff with. Only difference is, now I know it's actually the "big" stuff .
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
I'm gonna miss this
I am not one of those parents who counts down the days until school starts with excitement. I am one of those parents that counts down the start of school with dread. I love the lazy, no real schedule , days of summer. I love that my kids can sleep in , that we can go to the movies in the middle of the day, that eating dinner at 5pm is perfectly ok, or eating breakfast at 1pm is just as ok. I love that I can get up and get a whole lo accomplished before anyone else is even stirring in their beds. I allow summer assignments to be started in August ( no earlier) , because summer assignments are stupid anyhow. In fact, tomorrow I am buying Mikey's book that he needs to read, and he will get started on it on Saturday , which is AUGUST 1st. I am the most relaxed I will ever be in the months of June and July , and the first 2 weeks of August. After that all hell breaks loose. Our schedules become so tight, our meal times become so erratic, and our moods are very volatile due to all that is on our plates. We get a lot accomplished throughout the school year, and we learn a lot of new things. We play sports, we go to school functions, we volunteer, we take tests and push our limits . We overachieve (Sophie), we underachieve (Mikey) and we lecture everyone on why all these school year activities and classes are important (Me.) The nine months of the school year are jam packed, even the weekends. Homework, projects, sports all fill our weekends to the point where Sundays at 9pm we not only watch the Walking Dead , we are the Walking Dead.
The point I am trying to make, in a round a bout way , is that summer break is exactly that for this family: a break. A much needed re-charging so that everyone can be at peak performance in the Fall. I will not apologize for the late sleeping, the binge Netflix watching , non educational readers who are my children during these 10 weeks. They need this time, and I cherish it . I only have 6 more summer breaks before they are all out of school , and all out on their own. So, I am going to enjoy every lazy, non productive minute.
The point I am trying to make, in a round a bout way , is that summer break is exactly that for this family: a break. A much needed re-charging so that everyone can be at peak performance in the Fall. I will not apologize for the late sleeping, the binge Netflix watching , non educational readers who are my children during these 10 weeks. They need this time, and I cherish it . I only have 6 more summer breaks before they are all out of school , and all out on their own. So, I am going to enjoy every lazy, non productive minute.
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
A little Pre -Graduation Gift for my Zach
May 27 2015
Dear Zach,
I remember the day you started kindergarten like it was yesterday. It was your fifth birthday. You were scared and holding my hand so tight, the big blue eyes I had fallen in love with were brimming with tears. You looked at me like you were puzzled, like why was my mom leaving me here? Why couldn't I just go home , watch Barney and play with my dinosaurs like had been doing for 5 years, all with the comfort of my mother in the next room ? That is what you were silently saying to me as you watched me walk out of that brightly colored classroom into the hot August sun, fighting away the tears that were brimming in my own eyes. I left you there to blossom and grow in a world that was separate from me. In a world where Zach wasn't the center of the Universe, a world where he had to learn to play and work and figure things out on his own. Now , that 13 year journey is winding down. But I still feel the tears brimming in my eyes , and I still see that blonde chubby 5 year old looking at me quizzically . This time I won't be walking you to your classroom, I will be watching as your car pulls away on your first day of college. I will be standing out in the hot summer sun once again, fighting the tears, but this time I know you are prepared. You have learned to play, work and figure things out over these years and now you are ready to learn about Zach. You will learn what I already know, that new beginnings are scary but they are just the starting line for who we are to become. I am proud of you. I am excited for you . Most of all , I am here for you just like always , in your corner and on your side. I love you very much Zach. Happy Graduation!
Love,
Mom
Dear Zach,
I remember the day you started kindergarten like it was yesterday. It was your fifth birthday. You were scared and holding my hand so tight, the big blue eyes I had fallen in love with were brimming with tears. You looked at me like you were puzzled, like why was my mom leaving me here? Why couldn't I just go home , watch Barney and play with my dinosaurs like had been doing for 5 years, all with the comfort of my mother in the next room ? That is what you were silently saying to me as you watched me walk out of that brightly colored classroom into the hot August sun, fighting away the tears that were brimming in my own eyes. I left you there to blossom and grow in a world that was separate from me. In a world where Zach wasn't the center of the Universe, a world where he had to learn to play and work and figure things out on his own. Now , that 13 year journey is winding down. But I still feel the tears brimming in my eyes , and I still see that blonde chubby 5 year old looking at me quizzically . This time I won't be walking you to your classroom, I will be watching as your car pulls away on your first day of college. I will be standing out in the hot summer sun once again, fighting the tears, but this time I know you are prepared. You have learned to play, work and figure things out over these years and now you are ready to learn about Zach. You will learn what I already know, that new beginnings are scary but they are just the starting line for who we are to become. I am proud of you. I am excited for you . Most of all , I am here for you just like always , in your corner and on your side. I love you very much Zach. Happy Graduation!
Love,
Mom
Thursday, April 9, 2015
A Public Service Announcement ..sort of
My oldest child begins college in about 10 weeks. He will be starting in a summer session at the University of South Florida, his father's and my Alma Mater. I am very happy for him , even though he was labeled as a "summer acceptance" . Apparently , this doesn't mean that he was so smart that the school could not wait to get a hold of his over sized brain. It really means he had something on his high school record that made the USF admissions dept. be "on the fence " about him. Now, he applied and was accepted to 7 schools in all. No other school deemed him a summer acceptance , so that says a lot for USF's high standards. The reason USF was "on the fence" had to do with an incident that occurred his junior year of high school. He was suspended for 5 days due to a tweet that the district labeled "cyber bullying" . Anyone who knows Zach, knows bully is the least of what he is. He is so passive that sometimes I think he's comatose. However, one tweet to a random kid changed the way his future Alma Mater looked at him. He will enter on June 29th on "behavioral probation" , and if he does well in his classes and avoids trouble he will be cleared for Fall semester with a clean record. All because of a word that was on twitter sent to another student. One word almost made USF turn him away.
I am writing this because I can not stress enough the importance of not putting every mean, thoughtless word out on the internet. Not because you don't want to say them, but because of the ramifications of saying them. This one thing that Zach did has affected many aspects of his life, from being banned from junior prom last year to losing a long standing family friendship. Sadly, he was just a kid doing what they all do , tweeting endless drivel hoping to get attention. Which he got, in spades. So, make sure you tell your children the lasting effects a few words can have, especially if they are floating in cyberspace for all to see. No one ever thinks they will be labeled a "cyber bully" for something so simple as a word. No physical contact ever even occurred in this instance. I jokingly told him he should've just punched the kid, the consequences would've been the same and he would've been more satisfied. Of course I was kidding, but you get the idea.
The last 4 years of high school have been a learning experience for Zach (and me too) in so many ways. The most important lesson we are coming away with is there are consequences for every action, both good and bad. An honor student/ athlete was the least likely kid to end up with a "behavioral probation" label entering college but it happened and if it happened to him it can happen to anyone. So, to all my friends with high school students please use this as a teaching tool/scare tactic/whatever. I wish I would've had this knowledge a year ago. But instead we will enter USF as a problem child and make quick work of proving everyone wrong.
I am writing this because I can not stress enough the importance of not putting every mean, thoughtless word out on the internet. Not because you don't want to say them, but because of the ramifications of saying them. This one thing that Zach did has affected many aspects of his life, from being banned from junior prom last year to losing a long standing family friendship. Sadly, he was just a kid doing what they all do , tweeting endless drivel hoping to get attention. Which he got, in spades. So, make sure you tell your children the lasting effects a few words can have, especially if they are floating in cyberspace for all to see. No one ever thinks they will be labeled a "cyber bully" for something so simple as a word. No physical contact ever even occurred in this instance. I jokingly told him he should've just punched the kid, the consequences would've been the same and he would've been more satisfied. Of course I was kidding, but you get the idea.
The last 4 years of high school have been a learning experience for Zach (and me too) in so many ways. The most important lesson we are coming away with is there are consequences for every action, both good and bad. An honor student/ athlete was the least likely kid to end up with a "behavioral probation" label entering college but it happened and if it happened to him it can happen to anyone. So, to all my friends with high school students please use this as a teaching tool/scare tactic/whatever. I wish I would've had this knowledge a year ago. But instead we will enter USF as a problem child and make quick work of proving everyone wrong.
Monday, February 23, 2015
It's the Little Things
Today , as I was cleaning the floor around my dining room table from the post-birthday festivities of yesterday, I saw a white box. It was a box that was left out from my Christmas organizing a few weeks ago, and I had obviously shoved it into the corner of the very rarely used dining room and completely forgotten about it. There was something about this box that stopped me and my Shark floor steamer in my tracks. It said, in beautiful flowery handwriting "Joyce". I realized I had all but forgotten what my mother's handwriting looks like. I stared at it for a minute , ran my finger over it, and sat down on the dining room chair that used to be hers as well. I'm forgetting so much. So much of the little things, like her handwriting. There have been random moments over the years since her death that something I see or hear stops me in my tracks. Something that makes me breathe in sharply, stop for a minute and then go about my business. These moments are not something I dread or hate , they are the moments that bring me back to Earth . They make me realize what I have lost, and that now it is me who is making memories that my children will have always. That it is my name someone will someday see on a box, shoved haphazardly in the corner and they will stop and smile. At least I hope they will stop and smile. I hope I am doing as great a job as she did. I hope these moments do not stop coming for me, I hope the name "Joyce" continues to appear where and when I least expect it bringing me back to the realization of how much I miss her, and need to remember her , even if it's just flowery handwriting on a box.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
This Never Gets Easier, Does It?
I read a blog this morning on Facebook that inspired me to write this next piece. It was about how hard it is to parent older children. You know, the ones who can feed, dress and go to the bathroom on their own? About 15 years ago if someone would've told me how long these creatures would sleep eventually, and how they would sit quietly FOR HOURS in their rooms entertaining themselves in a few years , I would've wanted to teleport myself ahead to that blissful sounding time in my life just for the peace and quiet ! I was always thinking this would get easier. I was not entirely wrong. Physical demands have gotten a bit easier, and no one needs me to wipe their bottoms anymore so that's a huge win. There is , however, so much more emotional stress and doubt that comes with the parenting of these older , "easier" children. I am not really prepared for it, and find myself looking wistfully at the screaming toddler in Target thinking " if that's the worst thing he does today, you are blessed".
My children are 17, 14 and 11. Each comes with his or her own challenges , and their own terrific qualities as well. The 17 year old , who I love more than I ever imagined I could love another person, is constantly a source of worry. This age brings a whole slew of nerve wracking experiences to the parenting table. There's driving alone , driving with friends and driving far distances . Those things have single handedly increased my blood pressure and frequency to which I must color my hair. Unfortunately, the driving is the easiest thing I have to face with that child. There's choices he must make, knowing when to intervene and when to let him make the choices (even when they are the wrong ones..this happens A LOT). There's seeing him not get what he wants, even though he has worked for it. That's the hardest part, because when they were babies they had little to no disappointments ever. Mom could fix everything and I did. Now, not only can I not fix things(mostly because I don't know how), but I have to let him have disappointments because it's part of life and shapes him as a person. I worry every single day about him , and if he winds up going away to college I cannot imagine that worry just dissipating because he is no longer under my roof. Oh joy, I get to worry in absencia..
The 14 year old worries me because she is a girl. There I said it. I have a double standard , and I don't care who knows it. She cannot date until 15 years old (by 15 my son already had several girlfriends ) and even then it should be in a group . If that group has to be me and her father then so be it. She has always been very headstrong , so parenting her as a toddler was not much different than now. Except she was little and I could just pick her up and divert her attention. Also parenting a girl is way different than a boy. I want to say harder , but that's not entirely true. For a mom, it's actually like parenting yourself at that age. That is not fun in any sense of the word. I was a headstrong , mouthy, too smart for my own good bitch. You know what they say about the apple not falling far from the tree, right? I cry everyday in some way, shape or form about the job I am doing with her. I feel like it's not good enough, she deserves so much that I feel I can not always give her. I didn't feel like that when I was being a mom to a sweet red-headed baby, I could give her everything she needed. Now, I have to curb that to teach her she must earn things, work for them or figure out a way to do things herself. That will help her be a strong woman, one who is ready for the World. There is not a doubt in my mind that in 4 years she's packing up and going far away to college, mostly because she tells me this EVERYDAY. But I believe her , because it's exactly what I did..
Now, the 11 year old. My baby, my surprise, the one I wasn't sure would be a good idea but turned out to be the best thing I have ever been given. He is very different from his siblings. Different in a good way , for the most part. He's a little immature , innocent and still enjoys the role of the "baby" . My other two were born mature. This one is still 7 years old in my mind. He is now in middle school, which I still have to remind myself on a daily basis. He is getting taller, lankier and even a bit more independent. I look at him and I see my older son at that age , and I want to cry because I know how very, very fast this all goes. Maybe that's why I have such a hard time letting this one go. I am now facing middle school party invitations, messages from little girls who want to talk to my baby, and him asking to ride his longboard to CVS... all these scenarios have been met with my pat answer to him "You're a little young for that, buddy". And off he goes , still okay with that answer, but I know the clock is ticking. Tick tock, time to defy Mommy. It's coming, and this child doing it to me is going to be the real one/two punch. He was the most patient, sweet baby who never gave me a minute's trouble. I wonder if my luck will run out on that as I parent him in this next phase of life? I often talk about how he is a C student, just happy to get by in life, content to stay home and play video games or watch TV. The more I think about that, the more I realize that may not be so bad. From a parenting standpoint , he's low maintenance. After the other two , that may be just what I need...
Every passing year brings more revelations as a mother. The early years you learn exactly what your body is capable of and how much you can actually love a person . You also learn that everything is not about YOU. The ensuing years are like a roller coaster , you're up, up and up , then there is the free fall period before you are on the straightaway again. I see the parenting of the older children as 70% free fall, 30% up and up. Maybe after they leave , and become the people they are supposed to I'll be on the straightaway. But for now I'll just enjoy the ride.
My children are 17, 14 and 11. Each comes with his or her own challenges , and their own terrific qualities as well. The 17 year old , who I love more than I ever imagined I could love another person, is constantly a source of worry. This age brings a whole slew of nerve wracking experiences to the parenting table. There's driving alone , driving with friends and driving far distances . Those things have single handedly increased my blood pressure and frequency to which I must color my hair. Unfortunately, the driving is the easiest thing I have to face with that child. There's choices he must make, knowing when to intervene and when to let him make the choices (even when they are the wrong ones..this happens A LOT). There's seeing him not get what he wants, even though he has worked for it. That's the hardest part, because when they were babies they had little to no disappointments ever. Mom could fix everything and I did. Now, not only can I not fix things(mostly because I don't know how), but I have to let him have disappointments because it's part of life and shapes him as a person. I worry every single day about him , and if he winds up going away to college I cannot imagine that worry just dissipating because he is no longer under my roof. Oh joy, I get to worry in absencia..
The 14 year old worries me because she is a girl. There I said it. I have a double standard , and I don't care who knows it. She cannot date until 15 years old (by 15 my son already had several girlfriends ) and even then it should be in a group . If that group has to be me and her father then so be it. She has always been very headstrong , so parenting her as a toddler was not much different than now. Except she was little and I could just pick her up and divert her attention. Also parenting a girl is way different than a boy. I want to say harder , but that's not entirely true. For a mom, it's actually like parenting yourself at that age. That is not fun in any sense of the word. I was a headstrong , mouthy, too smart for my own good bitch. You know what they say about the apple not falling far from the tree, right? I cry everyday in some way, shape or form about the job I am doing with her. I feel like it's not good enough, she deserves so much that I feel I can not always give her. I didn't feel like that when I was being a mom to a sweet red-headed baby, I could give her everything she needed. Now, I have to curb that to teach her she must earn things, work for them or figure out a way to do things herself. That will help her be a strong woman, one who is ready for the World. There is not a doubt in my mind that in 4 years she's packing up and going far away to college, mostly because she tells me this EVERYDAY. But I believe her , because it's exactly what I did..
Now, the 11 year old. My baby, my surprise, the one I wasn't sure would be a good idea but turned out to be the best thing I have ever been given. He is very different from his siblings. Different in a good way , for the most part. He's a little immature , innocent and still enjoys the role of the "baby" . My other two were born mature. This one is still 7 years old in my mind. He is now in middle school, which I still have to remind myself on a daily basis. He is getting taller, lankier and even a bit more independent. I look at him and I see my older son at that age , and I want to cry because I know how very, very fast this all goes. Maybe that's why I have such a hard time letting this one go. I am now facing middle school party invitations, messages from little girls who want to talk to my baby, and him asking to ride his longboard to CVS... all these scenarios have been met with my pat answer to him "You're a little young for that, buddy". And off he goes , still okay with that answer, but I know the clock is ticking. Tick tock, time to defy Mommy. It's coming, and this child doing it to me is going to be the real one/two punch. He was the most patient, sweet baby who never gave me a minute's trouble. I wonder if my luck will run out on that as I parent him in this next phase of life? I often talk about how he is a C student, just happy to get by in life, content to stay home and play video games or watch TV. The more I think about that, the more I realize that may not be so bad. From a parenting standpoint , he's low maintenance. After the other two , that may be just what I need...
Every passing year brings more revelations as a mother. The early years you learn exactly what your body is capable of and how much you can actually love a person . You also learn that everything is not about YOU. The ensuing years are like a roller coaster , you're up, up and up , then there is the free fall period before you are on the straightaway again. I see the parenting of the older children as 70% free fall, 30% up and up. Maybe after they leave , and become the people they are supposed to I'll be on the straightaway. But for now I'll just enjoy the ride.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)