Hi. It's been a while. I haven't had much to say in the last year or so. I mean, everything on Earth is said, ad nauseam , all day long on social media. So , anything I would write would be just a regurgitated piece someone else touched on , somewhere else on the Internet. But tonight I went and re read a lot of my previous posts , and they reminded me that the writing I did was important in documenting how I felt at that particular moment in time . It might be all that my kids have of me someday, an echo of my voice so to speak. I certainly wish I had that when my mother passed away. I only have a few things with her signature on it, and an old rather ugly jacket that still faintly smells like her . How I wish I had a glimpse into how her life was back when I was a child , or a young adult too selfish and too busy to pay attention in real time. How she actually felt about me, her marriage , and her life as a whole would have been cathartic for me. Well, reading those old blog posts tonight I realize my kids will have that, after I am no longer here with them. As of late our world is a place that I hardly recognize , but have had to adapt to in a very short time. My worst fear; sickness and plague have become the everyday reality that we all live in. Watching my children adopt practices of mask wearing , not touching anyone who is not in their "safe circle" and learning that grown ass adults can be an embarrassment while in in positions of leadership and decision making is what my new normal as a parent is. I have no answers for them or any way to reassure them. It is a rough time to be a mother , a prewired "fixer" who can no longer fix. It has been enough to cause me to have anxiety again, a little depression and an overall hopeless feeling. I overeat, I over exercise, I cry , I sleep a lot and I doubt everything. I am willing to bet I am not the only one. That is another reason writing needed to come back into my life , even if it is just rambling posts just stating the obvious. Someday, this world we are living in will be a distant memory. All we have had to endure and adapt to will either be ingrained or forgotten- I am pulling for the latter. This post will be here for my kids - or my husband (if he out lives me- and he WILL because he does NOT exercise or take care of himself) to read and maybe hear my voice again, remembering what I had to say at that time. They can choose to remember fondly or to log off.
