"...I have squandered my resistance for a pocket full of mumbles, such are promises..." What does this line mean to you? It is a line from the song "The Boxer " by Simon and Garfunkel ( I  need to put this in here so I don't get sued by their estate). I think they're dead? Right? I'm too tired to look up that pertinent fact .. so I am crediting them early on. Anyway, back to the meaning of that line. I  am going to be honest , I used to think it said "squandered my EXISTENCE" , and by used to I    mean up until fifteen minutes ago when I  looked up the lyrics for accuracy on Apple Music. You see , the word existence made a lot more sense to me when put in a sentence with squandered.  I have been questioning my existence for a while now, as do most mothers of children on the verge of beginning their own lives. I  seem to have fallen into a grey area of living. I  am needed by my family, but not crucial to their survival . I  am needed at my job, but really anyone can do it ( the temp they get to replace me when I am out is 78 years old , so ...). I  am turning 48 in three months , the time I  have spent up until now , has it been wasted ? I  mean it is definitely more than halfway over , probably less, thanks to my genetic makeup and heart disease/cancer /diabetes trifecta in my family blood line.  So, you see the words that I thought were "squandered my existence "spurred on my deep thought process regarding the state of my life and it turns out that wasn't even the damn lyrics.
                     "... Squandered my resistance for a pocket full of mumbles..." has a whole different meaning. It means you sold out, gave up your true self for the path of least resistance. Well fuck, I did that too. Turns out that's even worse than what I originally though old Paul and Art were singing about.  I sold out my dreams and wants for the life of motherhood and being a wife. It was enough for many years, but now I am needing more. This makes me an awful person to some of you, I  know. I  struggle everyday with the yin-yang pull of "you are enough" or "you contribute nothing " feelings . I stay in bed a little longer,  eat a little more junk food and listen to sad ballads by 1960's musicians . I  have self loathing and resentment. I  am probably depressed , like I was back in college when I realized I was in the wrong major and had a breakdown because of the money I had cost my parents. Yes, that's true. Hardly anyone knows it but now everyone reading this knows it. And that's ok , because I have a feeling some of you may be feeling the same. Especially after you look up the lyrics to this song and listen to it ( you know you are going to). We are all Boxers , just fighting everyday , for what we want, what we were and what we hopefully can still become. I  am depressed,  I am at a crossroads and I  am going to make every attempt to rectify the "squandering " of both my existence and resistance in the near future. Some of you may not look at me the same anymore. That's ok , neither do I .