I had a wonderful summer, dare I say it was the best I have ever had. Yet I never left my hometown at any time during this season , and I gained a good solid 8 pounds. I  watched bad T.V. and ate all the food . ALL THE FOOD. I  took walks , had conversations that turned into life lessons and went out for late night runs to Twistee Treat - I  mentioned all the food, right? The best part was I did not do this alone, actually if did that would be scary... I  did it with my sweetest, best-est friend who also happens to be my daughter. It was a summer of lasts and we knew it. We were not going to fight about stupid stuff, we were going to laugh, watch dumb You Tube videos and shop. The shopping was second only to eating in time spent together. Every weekend was a marathon of dorm decorating and lunches. The nine weeks from graduation until today went by at warp speed. Today was the day my little girl left to go away to college and I had to let her go. Granted she is 30 minutes away, and will no doubt come home a lot , or as often as she needs her laundry done. But she left her room, her doggies and her home of 18 and a half years this afternoon and life will never be the same. Her life, and my life all changed forever. I am no longer the one she sees when she rolls out of bed, hair a mess, Superman t-shirt on whining for coffee. I  am not the person she will run to anymore to show the stupidest cat or dog video ,or ask me to watch an Insagram influencer with her . Those moments are to be shared with her new people, the people who will become her college friends, and ,more than likely , her life long friends. And I'm happy for her, so much so that I  ignored my nausea and panic these last 9 weeks to have the best time and further solidify our relationship. Today the stuff came out of the boxes we have been collecting for the past three months and was put to use and became the backdrop of her new home for the next school year.  Her room is great, her view is spectacular and her two roommates are adorable. She is at a top notch school in a fabulous city that she has always wanted to live in the heart of. She is ready. I am getting there, between bouts of crying and smiling to myself. From the minute they put this little girl in my arms I  knew she was meant to do great things, and I was meant to be thereto witness it. So this is Day One. So, as this summer ends and her life begins I know that she'll be fine in this new arena of independence and self awareness. I  just want to thank her for the best summer I  have ever had , a summer of nothing special was in fact the summer of everything I could ever want.

                         Let me begin by saying I have not "played cards" since I was 15 , sitting at my cousin's house in Queens eating Italian pastries and listening to adults bitch about their lives.  Yet I  am a nurse. I have held a few types of nursing/medical positions over the years since I graduated in 1994.  None of them included master poker player, or even master break taker.  A state senator that I had never heard of put her political foot in her idiotic mouth this week by stating nurses get plenty of "breaks" in their 12 hour days and probably spend a good portion of it "playing cards".  I read it, then re-read it incredulously, wondering who, if anyone, could be this blind.  Nursing school was , hands down, the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
                          Now, I have worked in three very different nursing venues over my lifetime, taking a big, long break so I could raise my children ( never had time for card playing then either). The first job I had was a supervisor in a LTC facility , 3-11PM shift.  I was 23 years old, and had two hallways full of patients to oversee, learning on the fly how to handle the dead weight of an 85 year old dementia patient, or the intricate wound care necessary for a life long diabetic. Sometimes these were the same person. I remember sitting down at 10:30 PM to chart , by hand. There were no cards in those hands as I recall. I did learn a lot and most of it was from the CNA's who made me look a little less like an idiot. (And they were never sitting down - much less playing a rousing game of Go Fish).
                          The rest of my "hands-on " nursing career was spent in home health care. Time management and independence is what nurses learn in this genre of nursing. I  spent a good part of my days listening, bandaging, teaching, advocating and then driving to the next location to do it all again. I ate lunch in my car,  stopped at convenience stores to pee , ensured my supplies were kept in two separate parts of my trunk- sterile area and non sterile area. I did this 5-7 times daily , then went home and did my progress notes , made necessary phone calls to my supervisor and called it a day. I     don't recall shouting "Gin" at any time during the work day.
                           Now I am in an administrative office, with no hands-on patient care but I still interact with them via internet or phone. My current position does not require a nursing license but it helps. A LOT. I  have learned a whole other side to medicine now ,and work with many types of people including Doctors and executives . Guess what ? THEY'RE NOT PLAYING CARDS IN THEIR DOWN TIME EITHER.
                             So, you see Senator Shit head, you know not what you speak of.  Stating that nurses do not need mandated breaks during a 12 hour shift is like saying you will never need a nurse to take care of you. It's ridiculous to assume that you know what they need, but rest assured they will know exactly what you need when you are sick and hospitalized. Just count your lucky stars I will never be your nurse because your call light would be secondary to my Poker game.

                       "...I have squandered my resistance for a pocket full of mumbles, such are promises..." What does this line mean to you? It is a line from the song "The Boxer " by Simon and Garfunkel ( I  need to put this in here so I don't get sued by their estate). I think they're dead? Right? I'm too tired to look up that pertinent fact .. so I am crediting them early on. Anyway, back to the meaning of that line. I  am going to be honest , I used to think it said "squandered my EXISTENCE" , and by used to I    mean up until fifteen minutes ago when I  looked up the lyrics for accuracy on Apple Music. You see , the word existence made a lot more sense to me when put in a sentence with squandered.  I have been questioning my existence for a while now, as do most mothers of children on the verge of beginning their own lives. I  seem to have fallen into a grey area of living. I  am needed by my family, but not crucial to their survival . I  am needed at my job, but really anyone can do it ( the temp they get to replace me when I am out is 78 years old , so ...). I  am turning 48 in three months , the time I  have spent up until now , has it been wasted ? I  mean it is definitely more than halfway over , probably less, thanks to my genetic makeup and heart disease/cancer /diabetes trifecta in my family blood line.  So, you see the words that I thought were "squandered my existence "spurred on my deep thought process regarding the state of my life and it turns out that wasn't even the damn lyrics.
                     "... Squandered my resistance for a pocket full of mumbles..." has a whole different meaning. It means you sold out, gave up your true self for the path of least resistance. Well fuck, I did that too. Turns out that's even worse than what I originally though old Paul and Art were singing about.  I sold out my dreams and wants for the life of motherhood and being a wife. It was enough for many years, but now I am needing more. This makes me an awful person to some of you, I  know. I  struggle everyday with the yin-yang pull of "you are enough" or "you contribute nothing " feelings . I stay in bed a little longer,  eat a little more junk food and listen to sad ballads by 1960's musicians . I  have self loathing and resentment. I  am probably depressed , like I was back in college when I realized I was in the wrong major and had a breakdown because of the money I had cost my parents. Yes, that's true. Hardly anyone knows it but now everyone reading this knows it. And that's ok , because I have a feeling some of you may be feeling the same. Especially after you look up the lyrics to this song and listen to it ( you know you are going to). We are all Boxers , just fighting everyday , for what we want, what we were and what we hopefully can still become. I  am depressed,  I am at a crossroads and I  am going to make every attempt to rectify the "squandering " of both my existence and resistance in the near future. Some of you may not look at me the same anymore. That's ok , neither do I .