I am a woman, so I have feelings. A lot of feelings. Feelings that sometimes color my entire day. I have gotten to the point where I wish I had no feelings, you know, like a MAN.  Boy how nice it must be to just turn on ESPN, pop a cold one and forget the world. I have so many feelings in the course of the day, feelings that I work hard to talk myself out of , because they are not what I SHOULD feel. Although they are probably valid, they are not socially acceptable. They are feelings that should not enter the mind of a woman who seemingly has it all. I mean , on the outside I seem to be very , very together.  But on the inside...well let's take a look. Warning: these feelings may not be suitable for all readers , especially those with no hormonal fluctuations .
           So, I am lucky, I have a lovely house in a very nice neighborhood. I should feel grateful and full of joy that I live there . And I do , for the most part. But on the daily, I also feel annoyed and frustrated with my 17 year old home. I am annoyed because I can't afford to update my incredibly dated kitchen and bathrooms, I am frustrated because no sooner do we fix one thing , than another thing craps out. (Which is why I am can't afford any updates) , it is a vicious circle and my feelings sometimes are very bitter regarding my "lovely house". These are feelings I work hard to hide so people don't think "what an ungrateful bitch". But , in reality I am kind of an ungrateful bitch and I blame Joanna Gaines.
           I am also very lucky to have the three beautiful children , and I am very grateful for them.  Really, I am. However, there are feelings that arise in me often (by often I mean pretty much every day).  These feelings are the ones I have to suppress for fear of being thought of as a terrible mom. But I'm going to come clean, I feel unappreciated and invisible ...ALOT. They have had me around 24/7 for 20 years, and take me for granted. Then I go back to work and I am expected to still do the 24/7 mom thing with 27 less hours a week to do it. It makes me need to step outside , sit alone and remind myself I am VISIBLE. I mean my kids love me, that I don't doubt. But my feelings regarding motherhood are not always sunshine and unicorns , like we all pretend to feel when we talk glowingly about our children. I cannot be the only one feeling this way, and I sure as shit am not the only one suppressing it . Well, don't tell me if I am just nod and agree, like one would with a crazy person.
             As a woman, I think we are expected to just smile and take care of everything, both at home and in the workplace. To show how we really feel is a weakness. At my job, which is a basic entry level administrative position, I suppress feelings every hour of my 8 hour day. I took the job as a part time gig,  just to get my feet wet again . I am not doing it for the money, which is a good thing because I barely make any. I am not doing it for the respect, because that's non existent as well. I smile and do my job and pretend 25 year old executives know what they are talking about . It is so damn  exhausting doing that much suppressing , that I actually need the 4 days off a week that I get to regroup.
              Feelings are in every part of my day, and I wish people could know how I really feel about things. But it's best that they can't. I mean I am a smiling, happy blonde who lives in a nice house and has 3 beautiful kids  . It's all perfect... until I think about it. But things could most definitely be worse, and I know that, and I realize how fortunate I am . I chalk these "other "feelings up to HGTV and having ovaries.