Some people would say I had a two year reprieve . They would be right, and it would be an understatement. I did get a two year "furlough" so to speak, from my eldest child leaving home to go to school. Believe me, back in 2015 I thought he would go. He had many college choices and , among those , some were pretty far away from home. But when it came time to decide, he chose one right here at home. Actually, he chose 2 schools in the last 3 years that both were local choices and the economical decision was to go to school and live at home.  All the while still allowing me to see him everyday. To hear him shuffle (already STOMP) through the house, foraging for food in my (always picked over )pantry and to hear him play his music, which was slowly becoming his passion.  He transformed his 12x12 bedroom into an electronic studio , teaching himself how to do a lot of the sound and audio "things" he wanted to learn.  So, when one day last Spring he decided to start looking into audio/sound engineering schools, I was not surprised. He took the initiative for this search, unlike his college search, applications and essays which I had to force upon him back in high school. He toured schools , in Florida and Georgia , and ultimately made the decision himself. He figured out where and how much he was willing to spend on this degree, and when he decided , it was presented to me. That is not how 17 year old Zach did things wayyyy back when as he prepared for college. Now I know why... he was not ready. He hadn't found his PASSION. He was going through the motions, like a minion , like so many of us , and he was not ready to leave home for a choice he did not feel strongly about. That's how I know he's serious , because he is a homebody and he is truly excited to start this journey now, as a person with a plan and a goal.
                                   So, now the time has come for him to go pursue the choice HE made.  He found an apartment and his beautiful girlfriend of 6 years is going with him, also making her own choices and blazing new pathways in her life. I have had the great pleasure of spending 2 extra years with them both . I will always cherish our family dinners, our walks in the neighborhood, our funny conversations and all the things we did together in the two years where most kids are away at school. I got to know my child as an adult , and I love him for letting me do that. I joke that my grocery bill will go down tremendously, but I know that so will the level of laughs and fun in this house. As I was lying in bed last night I start thinking about how I will have one less kid here, everyday. No waiting to see what he wants for dinner, no asking him to bring me a coffee if "he happens to be out" and no kiss and "I love you 's " when we go to bed at night.  I began to cry , that entire body shaking, uncontrollable cry.  I was crying out of sadness, but not for him . It was sadness for me and how much I had grown to expect that beautiful smile to be here EVERYDAY.
That was selfish of me to think I would always have it in my house , like it belonged to me.  It belongs exactly where it is going, with him on a path he chose and a timeline he made.
                                  So, for all you parents who haven't yet experienced this, or maybe still have an adult child at home trying to find out where they belong in the world, it's ok. Those loud footsteps to your pantry will fall silent soon enough .... focus on that beautiful smile they give you every day while you can.

                                       When your baby is born, screaming it's first screams after barely being out of your body for 30 seconds, you automatically cry. Whether its outward crying, or inward crying your emotions are raw and you have one million feelings about the little being that was just taken from the safety of your womb. I had this happen to me 3 times. I was extremely lucky to feel that 3 times. But 17 years ago to the day, I had my second child and those emotions were magnified tenfold because my doctor spoke the words "It''s a girl".  You see, I had a feeling I was carrying a girl , although never confirmed by any ultrasound or test I had to undergo. I want a girl so bad. I NEEDED a girl , someone who would be sweet and loving and enjoy all the same things I did.  In the first few minutes of her little life, I saw it all flash before mine.  Sparkly dresses, shoes, Barbies, hair and nail appointments together, dating advice, high school dances ,college trips. All of it was flashing before me on November 25, 2000 and I was elated.  Everyone was oohing and aching over her orange hair and super tiny little body , and I just kept thinking "She's mine. I have a DAUGHTER".
                                        I have been very fortunate all these years, she HAS been mine .  First my sweet baby, then my independent elementary schooler , then evolving into my mini me as she became a teenager. She has never disappointed me, and she always makes me proud. But more recently she made me look deeply inward at myself.  I was not the mother I thought I was, I was not living up to who I wanted to be for her. She was exploring religion on her own (I left the catholic church years ago and let the kids decide about their faith for themselves), she was in a evolving mature relationship with a boy and she was balancing work, cheer, and her difficult school load.  She was becoming less and less MINE and more and more HERSELF.  This is what is supposed to happen , children grow and evolve into who they are going to be. She is everything I saw flash before me 17 years ago in the delivery room plus a million more things I could have never predicted.  And I want to be a better person because of her.  I look at her and the way she handles things, both adversity and success, and I am humbled. I did not teach her that, that she learned on her own.
                                           I now know that when I met this little person 17 years ago, in the early morning hours ,still on an adrenaline rush from the delivery she was only meant to be mine for a while. She was put here for great things, and she is now on the cusp of those things. And I am fortunate enough to still be here, watching and learning just who this little feisty girl will become.  It's like watching a Polaroid picture develop when it starts to come into focus, it is still a bit fuzzy on the edges but you just know it is going to be a keeper.  Happy Birthday to my beautiful Sophie , thank you for being mine all those years... keep me around a few more ,will ya?  I love you.

                    Tomorrow I will be married 23 years, to the same person. That is half my life , sharing everything with one man.  It seems that a marriage that lasts 23 years is something like Big Foot; People claim to have seen it, it is fuzzy and unrecognizable in pictures , and is very rare indeed. I think it is an accomplishment to have been in a marriage this long, and I think an accomplishment deserves recognition, especially in our society of "disposable "everything. There were times, I'm not going to lie, where throwing it away would've been the easy road. So I think my marriage deserves a trophy, or maybe even a plaque. Yeah, a plaque. It would have to a 16x20 size, to fit everything it needs to say on it, but I have the wall space . It would say what the last 23 years have given us and would go something like this:
                      Over the last 23 years, Steve and Krista Davidson have had...
                 - Three beautiful children, spaced perfectly apart . Well ,perfectly if you want to be on PTA's for life and never want to finish a payment plan for braces or college funds.
                  - A mortgage(a few, actually). On a house that we could barely afford 6 years into our marriage . But then when we could afford the payments, someone (Steve) decided to shorten the term (twice) making it ...you guessed it ..difficult to afford AGAIN.  But thanks to that special , long term thinker we are almost done not affording it, and are actually pretty close to owning it.. outdated kitchen , leaky roof and all!
                    -Many sleepless and angry nights, which is the likely outcome when 2 people who are opposites in every possible way decide to live together FOREVER. We have a "type A " personality trying to mesh with a proverbially "Mr. Easy Going", a Southerner trying to learn how to cope with a girl from Queens , and a well known thrifty shopper constantly paying for things the , shall we say, "non thrifty" shopper brings home. (a lot of those things are ALIVE). The old saying "Opposites Attract" is so very true, but opposites also fight like rabid dogs over the course of 23 years.
                     - A life of love, laughter , happy tears, pride and discovery have also filled these 23 years , outweighing the financial and personality problems.

                       This may be way too much to fit on a plaque, and maybe that's why it is silly to think that such an accomplishment can be measured in this manner.  It is measured in days and nights of learning exactly what "I do " meant all those years ago... And we are still learning. I don't know what the next 23 years will bring, but whatever they do at least I know I won't find out alone.
                        Here's to the next 23....Happy Anniversary Steve.

           I am a woman, so I have feelings. A lot of feelings. Feelings that sometimes color my entire day. I have gotten to the point where I wish I had no feelings, you know, like a MAN.  Boy how nice it must be to just turn on ESPN, pop a cold one and forget the world. I have so many feelings in the course of the day, feelings that I work hard to talk myself out of , because they are not what I SHOULD feel. Although they are probably valid, they are not socially acceptable. They are feelings that should not enter the mind of a woman who seemingly has it all. I mean , on the outside I seem to be very , very together.  But on the inside...well let's take a look. Warning: these feelings may not be suitable for all readers , especially those with no hormonal fluctuations .
           So, I am lucky, I have a lovely house in a very nice neighborhood. I should feel grateful and full of joy that I live there . And I do , for the most part. But on the daily, I also feel annoyed and frustrated with my 17 year old home. I am annoyed because I can't afford to update my incredibly dated kitchen and bathrooms, I am frustrated because no sooner do we fix one thing , than another thing craps out. (Which is why I am can't afford any updates) , it is a vicious circle and my feelings sometimes are very bitter regarding my "lovely house". These are feelings I work hard to hide so people don't think "what an ungrateful bitch". But , in reality I am kind of an ungrateful bitch and I blame Joanna Gaines.
           I am also very lucky to have the three beautiful children , and I am very grateful for them.  Really, I am. However, there are feelings that arise in me often (by often I mean pretty much every day).  These feelings are the ones I have to suppress for fear of being thought of as a terrible mom. But I'm going to come clean, I feel unappreciated and invisible ...ALOT. They have had me around 24/7 for 20 years, and take me for granted. Then I go back to work and I am expected to still do the 24/7 mom thing with 27 less hours a week to do it. It makes me need to step outside , sit alone and remind myself I am VISIBLE. I mean my kids love me, that I don't doubt. But my feelings regarding motherhood are not always sunshine and unicorns , like we all pretend to feel when we talk glowingly about our children. I cannot be the only one feeling this way, and I sure as shit am not the only one suppressing it . Well, don't tell me if I am just nod and agree, like one would with a crazy person.
             As a woman, I think we are expected to just smile and take care of everything, both at home and in the workplace. To show how we really feel is a weakness. At my job, which is a basic entry level administrative position, I suppress feelings every hour of my 8 hour day. I took the job as a part time gig,  just to get my feet wet again . I am not doing it for the money, which is a good thing because I barely make any. I am not doing it for the respect, because that's non existent as well. I smile and do my job and pretend 25 year old executives know what they are talking about . It is so damn  exhausting doing that much suppressing , that I actually need the 4 days off a week that I get to regroup.
              Feelings are in every part of my day, and I wish people could know how I really feel about things. But it's best that they can't. I mean I am a smiling, happy blonde who lives in a nice house and has 3 beautiful kids  . It's all perfect... until I think about it. But things could most definitely be worse, and I know that, and I realize how fortunate I am . I chalk these "other "feelings up to HGTV and having ovaries.

                                                   My Summers as an IHOP Waitress...

                   Summer. That word used to mean something very different to me than it does currently. When my three kids were young it meant filling those long daylight hours with camps, bible schools and play dates for both my sanity and theirs. As they grew a bit, that changed from days filled with me chauffeuring them to friend's houses, community pools and theme parks (living in Florida everyone has a frigging theme park pass ..). The cost of summer financially was astronomical for those years, but it was worth every cent. The 2 month break from the 10 month marathon we call school was always welcomed and appreciated , especially by me . I jokingly used to say , on the last day of school, that "my job at IHOP starts tomorrow". I would cook and prepare food throughout the day , because 3 kids of various ages arise from their beds at very different times. So, breakfast had a tendency of morphing right into lunch , with dinner sometimes only a few hours behind. I literally felt like a diner waitress without the benefit of the tips or sassy apron.
                   What I just described all sounds very indulgent and exhausting , doesn't it? In fact there are probably people reading this saying "well you brought that on yourself".  Yes, people, yes I did. It was indulgent, expensive and tiring but you know what else it was? FAST.  So. very. fast.
                    Summer. Now this word means nothing different to me than fall, winter or spring. It means a quiet morning getting ready for work, drinking my coffee in silence. No Fruit Loops to pour, no waffles to make. Just me, sitting in my silent kitchen . I am very aware that three beautiful young adults will get up out of their beds(at all different times) and stumble to the kitchen to make their own breakfasts-or lunches depending on the time -and I will not be there.  They will make their coffee, they will toast their waffles and start their days. They will go to their jobs, or go the beach or watch Netflix and I won't be there to hang with them, or make sure they get a good lunch-not pizza rolls and Ramen.  I am no longer an IHOP waitress . They don't need a short order cook, or a chauffeur anymore. They still have their summer "break" but I am no longer an integral part of that. And I miss that.  I miss seeing them go from Zoo Camp to bible schools to Busch Gardens with their friends , with me as the driver, and most of all , the listener.
                      So , as I hang up my Imaginary IHOP apron for a business casual wardrobe, I realize the time I spent for those many summers was the best time I ever spent.  Summer meant time . Precious , albeit fleeting time with the three people I love most in the world.  So, if you still have littles, and are able to soak up every bit of summer with them I say indulge them and exhaust yourself because a quiet kitchen is right around the corner.

            Last week, my daughter Sophie brought home her course card for the next school year. This tiny card holds the key to what classes she will enroll in for the long awaited junior year, which is coincidentally known as " let's take every hard class the school has to offer so colleges will like me"year! So , as she brought me this blank card, she began telling me what exactly she was going to put on it.  Among the choices were AP psych, AP US History, Dual Enrollment English Comp , and Dual Enrollment College Algebra . I looked at her, in all her freckled face seriousness , and said " so you are quitting cheerleading, breaking up with your boyfriend and chaining yourself to your laptop for the next year?" She looked so confused, even a bit disappointed when she answered, " a lot of my friends are taking these classes and I'm smart too , you know".
               Oh, do I know ! Smart is one of the top 3 words I use to describe my daughter, with motivated and driven being the other two . But I also use words like, sociable, funny, silly, and oh I don't know, how about 16 ! to describe her as well. The look of this fictitious 11th grade schedule made me think those words would not accurately describe junior year Sophie any longer. Now, I am sure there are kids out there who can do all that and have some semblance of a life. But in my experience, those kids are few and far between.  I have seen kids make and live those sort of academic schedules before, and I have seen those kids (after the first few weeks) crying into their pillows, ( I won't mention any names but one spends ALOT of time at my house dating my son). I have seen great 4 point something GPA's nosedive due to an overzealous schedule which was just too high of a difficulty level for them to maintain. They are KIDS after all.
             Now I am not saying her junior year course card should read with the simplicity of a "Dick and Jane " children book,  but moderation is the key . So, I sat her down and made some (ahem ) suggestions. I suggested she take 2 Dual enrollment, neither one of them being a math class . Sophie's verbal skills/ reading skills are off the chart , but math is a work in progress. So English Comp and Dual Enrollment Psychology are a good fit for her.  I put the kabash on AP classes altogether. In my experience with AP classes , they have been rather disappointing.  The great grade in the class doesn't necessarily lead to a passing AP test grade. Which means "oops sorry that 500 hours of reading you did, 950 notecards you wrote and early Saturday morning strategy sessions you attended  , led to nothing , nada, "no college credit soup for you!" So after a heart to heart and her little red head envisioning a year of stress, and since quitting cheer is never an option for her and neither is quitting her boyfriend , we crafted a very solid, college friendly course card. What we didn't create was a sobbing, stressed out , anxiety ridden high school junior.
               I know there are people reading this right now who don't agree with it. But I'm willing to bet those folks haven't already been through this process yet. So keep reading Shakespeare to your kindergartners and enrolling the 4 year olds in Kumon,  everyone is entitled to their opinion.  But I know colleges like "big picture "type applicants. Good grades, challenging classes, a mix of extracurriculars, volunteer hours and students who will fit into their University atmosphere.  There are still going to be the parents and students who think only GPA and grades matter and in some cases like MIT, Harvard, Stanford (you know, the genius schools) that is probably a resounding YES ! Grades and GPA are the benchmark for fitting in at those esteemed schools. But for the rest of us, and in particular a little girl with visions of being a Tarheel cheerleader and UNC student ,crafting a big picture will be the focus.  And maybe, just maybe enjoying the one & only junior year in high school she's ever going to get.